What ruined my day from the get-go was a meeting with the boss lady. I have to say these meetings are getting to be borderline discriminatory or they are in fact so.
I understand I have missed too many days. No one gets that more than me, but let me tell you they were not fricken holidays for me. So point to her. I can’t argue with the facts, but I have been doing better, and considering I was on medical leave, a snap recovery would be quite surprising. I would like my doctor to cure me of migraines (and everything else for that matter), but he is all out of ‘instant cure for chronic illnesses’… rather because they would be called chronic if you could fricken cure them.
I had the choice of coming back full time or not at all, with everybody breathing down my neck… and while I thought coming back full-time, when I only had a half-ass treatment and a new preventative was not a brilliant idea, I was in no position to argue. So she has run out of patience with my lack of exemplary attendance. But telling me this does not help either, cause I cannot order my brain to stop tormenting me.
However, apparently, I will have to order my body to amp up on pain tolerance, because she is giving me the first written warning, which means I can be fired any time she wishes should I slide. And while I can nod my head and say okay sounds good to me, that also does not help me when I am sick with a blaring migraine, throwing up or otherwise ill from medications or whatever. So I have to manage to get myself to work, even if it means throwing up on someone’s shoes or not being able to see or hear. And today, which has been a bad migraine day such as they are, I hit the curb getting to work and then lodged my car in the nearest parking spot which happened to be a mire of mud I could not then remove myself from… tip top working condition. And this all does not piss me off, it actually made me a little teary-eyed, because it is like someone is demanding I stop the sun from shining… I would if I could, but the world doesn’t work that way. So essentially she is saying I need to suffer in silence. No option for lesser hours and such. Just be there… or not.
The ultimatums of work or be fired are damaging my self-worth. I feel like personally, I am an utter failure here, for something I can’t control.
What did piss me off, is her saying ‘What have you done to help improve your condition?’ or some such crap.
As if I have not heard that crap a thousand times in my lifetime. Well, if you exercised, and eat green beans and drink eight glasses of water maybe you would not feel so bad. If you try eating only protein or no protein or take this exact combination of vitamins. Or… or… or. What-effing-ever. It is always the patient’s fault for not feeling better. They don’t pro-actively do enough to cure themselves… don’t try enough randomly recommended treatments, no matter how expensive, or change their lifestyle in specific and often contradictory ways. She, of course, mentioned the smoking… and yeah that is stupid, but it is a nice self-destructive habit that will hopefully kill me and save me the trouble… and maybe if I did not have so much stress, as in having to work ‘through’ enough pain to make a grown man cry like a baby, maybe I would have a slight desire to quit smoking.
Then she said if I was proactive about my health and cared about my well-being I would get rid of my cats. How dare she suggest such a thing? As if, giving away my cats, when I love animals, have no children and they improve my mood vastly, would be a good thing. It would be a very bad thing. And for what? My asthma is under control, no one knows if I am allergic to cats and the last time I had out of control asthma attacks was from a god damned migraine abortive I was using to get to work in the first damned place. It was rude. And it essentially is telling me that if I do not feel better, in any regards I suppose, it is my fault in some obscure way…. when in fact it has been side-effects, some nasty ones, that have caused many my problems lately.
And she says she has received complaints from staff. That they think I am getting special consideration for having so many sick days… blah… blah. I feel so sorry for them having to work without pain like that, day in and day out. I actually think she lied about this to guilt me. I asked someone and they said they understand my situation is complex and have no idea where she got that idea. But if I have to suffer through it, I will not suffer false sympathy…. I will not be a topic of conversation, while people speculate behind my back about my health… that is why I never mentioned the FMS and never will… bias to chronic pain is a bitch.
Being moody does not help either, thus the ranting… does not make me feel better today, but maybe tomorrow.
I am angry about all this. I am frustrated. It never ends. And there is nothing I can do about it.