The thing about the internet is that it sure makes suicide more dramatic. I rather think I wrote a fine suicide note all things considered. Made a fine attempt too. (see post if you want to)
I may have chronic pain but I am not depressed. Sometimes we handle the pain and sometimes it handles us. Sometimes it is easier not to think about it so it is not so real and endless. Sometimes while I am at work and that pain is arching through me I feel like weeping and have to choke back sobs…. is that depression or is that simply a reaction to being in pain and trying not to show it? Does it really matter? Is my invisible disability not as worthy as a visible disability or more known illness? Hell, after all this time enduring is this even surprising or is it simply inevitable?
I got caught in one of those dangerous moments. Where I am not upset but I can’t imagine or conceive of living a moment more of that agony. A very dangerous moment because it is easy to just do it then… and that is that… no second choices if you make the wrong choice in that small moment.
I had had a migraine since that Friday and it was a brutal one. I went to work because frankly, work was not giving me any choices in the matter. The pain became so intense I could not sleep, which meant that migraine continued through the weekend. Usually, I get a sense of profound relief when the weekend comes because even if I am in pain I have no demands placed on me and no facade to uphold (thus the lack of a social life). This time, however, I was tired, I just could not sleep and the pain continued. I had been stressed out about work and how they were not handling my invisible disability, thus proving the ‘invisible’ part.
So that week was bad from the get-go. I was so drained I thought to myself why not take a lot of sleeping pills, which I know will not kill me, but if I was lucky I would get a nice coma. I may not be able to call in sick for a migraine… but surely a coma would count? I called in sick Wednesday because the pain was making me frantic… however just calling in sick and knowing I would have to deal with the consequences of that on my return was difficult to handle. Having taken all those sleeping pills, well I slept on in till 3pm and missed another day of work thus tripling my distress on having to handle that.
That night having taken just my one sleeping pill, but being in too much pain to sleep I got up… that being my mistake right there… what can you do when you are in so much pain, can’t get rid of it, can’t sleep and have to get up and go to work in the morning? Well, apparently you try to kill yourself. I don’t remember all that clearly. Just that I could not go to work and I knew work would not let me not go to work. I was too calm… maybe numb. Nothing much mattered at that point except ending that pain. It was like my brain had come to this inevitable conclusion that I had no will or desire to resist. Stuck in that moment of pain that clouds out everything else eliminate all other possibilities. And I gave in to its demands. And it was so easy to take that knife and make that pain end all the pain. And as I was bleeding I was thinking there it goes… finally I did something to finish it. Fortunately, my brother woke up and found me, took me to the hospital and that is that.
I am not depressed, which sounds insane to say after such an attempt. I am just living in a lot of pain, trying to do what I should be doing and that can be too much for the best of us. So I survived. I have no intentions of trying again. Normally I would never consider such a final act that would cause so much pain to the people I love… but the power of that moment and that agony that seemed like it would stretch to eternity had me it’s it grip. Never underestimate the power of pain and its ability to take you out of the moment, until you are lost in it.
So I feel fine now. My wrists are a constant reminder of what I attempted. And I freaked out my entire family. And this all seems so extreme to have done such a thing because I could not imagine being able to work the next day or face the guilt of not working. Work is not worth it, people tell me. But work had power over me. The power to make me think I was failing. To make me feel guilty for being in too much pain to work. To make me worried I would lose my job and the guilt that would cause. To make me feel ashamed for being in pain, for being ill for not being up to par. What can I say? People don’t think clearly when they are in pain. I don’t know why my workplace would think I would endure that torment silently forever… something had to break, kinda wish it had not been me… I had a nice facade going on there.