anxiety coping with CM Moody rant whine

Tomorrow I go to work

And I think I am still in shock.  Shocked that my neuro cleared me to return.  I said I was terrified of returning, knowing I completely destroyed my emotional calm in trying to hide my suffering.  Just thinking about working in that pain brings tears to my eyes, so how am I going to pretend tomorrow that it is not killing me?  I thought I had made myself clear, but with these doctors it is like those sleep paralysis dreams I get… you can be screaming and screaming and no one hears you, you can run but you never get anywhere and there is no escape.  I still can’t believe they did not listen to me.  It is like what I say, believe and feel is of no consequence.  Even though it will be a slow start for two weeks before I go to full time I know the torture that awaits me and, damn it, I can’t manage to shove the emotions down far enough to handle the thought of that pain.  It is a slow torture knowing that no matter what you do or say you end up where you were.  I don’t know why I thought I had choices and that I would be given the time to heal and make those choices. Maybe the problem with an invisible disability is not that people cannot see your illness and pain, it is that those that are supposed to help you survive it are completely indifferent.  Lovely how they manage to kick you when your down.  I feel just horrible, so horrible I can’t even talk about it or I will totally lose it.  That is why the facade is vital… I can’t function when I am honest about my suffering, it like a damn breaking… the only choice to survive what you have to do is to pretend it is not affecting you like it is and I seem to have lost the ability to do that when I crossed that line from wishing to die and acting on that desire.  Well, I only have to pretend for four hours tomorrow, surely I can pull that off.  Lie, lie, lie until you believe the lie. https://w.atcontent.com/-/3KCMhH65Axk/nikki.albert/6mwjNuRf4VO.text/Panel/Autocheck

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2 comments

  1. Don't force it. If you can't work, don't. Only you know what you can and cannot do!

    Invisible, visible illness doesn't matter – some doc's are just jerks!

    I worked with one that would not approve handicapped license plates for people so they could park in handicapped spots. He said if they were so weak or in pain that they couldn't walk from the same spots he had to park in, they didn't need to shop! Jerks!!!

    Hang in there kiddo! Endure.

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  2. Well, I'm assuming that by this point you've probably already been at work. If so, how did it go today? I have to agree with Winny – if you can't work, don't. But, I also understand that you can't just not go… you have finances and insurance issues to be concerned with. It's a difficult balancing act, for sure. I've been thinking about you, and hoping that things are alright. Blessings.

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