And I think I am still in shock. Shocked that my neuro cleared me to return. I said I was terrified of returning, knowing I completely destroyed my emotional calm in trying to hide my suffering. Just thinking about working in that pain brings tears to my eyes, so how am I going to pretend tomorrow that it is not killing me? I thought I had made myself clear, but with these doctors, it is like those sleep paralysis dreams I get… you can be screaming and screaming and no one hears you, you can run but you never get anywhere and there is no escape. I still can’t believe they did not listen to me. It is like what I say, believe, and feel is of no consequence.
Even though it will be a slow start for two weeks before I go to full-time I know the torture that awaits me and, damn it, I can’t manage to shove the emotions down far enough to handle the thought of that pain. It is a slow torture knowing that no matter what you do or say you end up where you were. I don’t know why I thought I had choices and that I would be given the time to heal and make those choices. Maybe the problem with an invisible disability is not that people cannot see your illness and pain, it is that those that are supposed to help you survive it are completely indifferent. Lovely how they manage to kick you when your down. I feel just horrible, so horrible I can’t even talk about it or I will totally lose it. That is why the facade is vital… I can’t function when I am honest about my suffering, it like a damn breaking… the only choice to survive what you have to do is to pretend it is not affecting you like it is and I seem to have lost the ability to do that when I crossed that line from wishing to die and acting on that desire. Well, I only have to pretend for four hours tomorrow, surely I can pull that off. Lie, lie, lie until you believe the lie.