Yeah, I actually had a post written up… not just the title there… but the reason it did not show is a prime example of my mental capacity this month. I have become increasingly frustrated with these lapses of mental functioning such that I acknowledge I do need to contact my neurologist because, damn, a month of acute migraines is really messing with my head.
Now, sure, there are days when you have a migraine and you are so mucked up, groggy and fuzzy-headed you are very aware you are making mistakes… some you catch and some you don’t, but there are loads of typos, data entry issues, spelling, speaking, writing. It is extremely frustrating and makes work that much more stressful and taxing but at least you are aware your brain is compromised and it is going to take more effort than usual to accomplish simple tasks. Just the way is. Another day in chronic migraine hell. In fact, if it were not for the varied, complex and disturbing neurological symptoms of a migraine then it would just be a really, really bad headache. It is difficult having troubles with balance, seeing, feeling, thinking and whatnot added to the pain and nausea.
What I hate more than that is when I get to that point where my brain is literally playing tricks on me and I cannot trust a damn thing I think to be true. One example is a simple but pretty clear one to use. I know right from left but ninety percent of the time if asked for directions or say right or left I am backwards. I point right and say left. I say left and mean right. Automatically. I now have to stop and think about it and how I do this is I move my right hand and think ‘I am right handed so this is right’ and then I know what is what. But the automatic response is the wrong one. In cases like this it is not what I know, or don’t know, it is what knowledge I can retrieve and whether it can be validated. Unfortunately, my brain does just randomly decide some things are fact and I act automatically on this knowledge like I would with any fact and I am wrong over and over until I catch the glitch and realize somewhere along the way my brain just mucked it up. Which has led to some errors at work that are a great deal more problematic than my typos.
It made me upset on Friday when I caught one of these arbitrary incorrect facts and had to check my whole year of similar transactions where I used that fact in order to find when and how many times I made that error. Thankfully it started in August and it was only a few times. One day when I was chatting with a customer I was confused on whether a certain procedure for a product had begun in 2008 or 2009… I muddled through it and decided 2008, but this was a bad pain day and I knew I was not thinking straight. Does not matter because after that my brain just assumed that new fact was what was right and I never thought about it again until I realized it was wrong. It is insanely frustrating to know that sometimes my brain is all in line and despite the pain, I can think straight but other times I have extreme difficulties and other times I don’t realize my brain is messing with me at all.
I honestly do not know how long I can keep this up. So, obviously, if I am thinking I am having troubles with the pain this month and more troubles with functioning with a migraine I ought to chat with my neuro before it gets worse. Because if it gets worse, then my employer’s attitude will get worse, I will get stressed out and emotion and then no one wins in that situation. I have some honest fears with contact my neuro because medication changes can be for the worse and I don’t want to deal with how work gets when I am worse. There is an underlying concern though and that is I don’t know what my neuro will do when I chat with him, but it is entirely possible he will not be able to do anything to make things better than they are… and I just don’t want to know that fact.