So I tried to commit suicide in Aug 2010
I had a bit of time off work to recover- a short-term leave and it was hardly sufficient and I was very upset and I was informed I had to return and I was not going on long-term. I felt my doctor didn’t comprehend the price of pain, didn’t care about suffering and didn’t have my back… it was a betrayal. So I knew when things get bad, I could never depend on my employer because what they do is actively make things worse and I could not depend on my doctor and I had no escape because I had seriously hurt my family by my actions and would not do that to them again. So I was trapped in this pained existence with no escape route. I became just numb, which is a form of depressed.
I went back to work and just did what I was told and tried to just survive in this numb state of acceptance that this suffering was my life. I missed a great deal of work for horrific pain days and they came down on me hard for it, but I didn’t care at that point. They had me fill out forms about it and my insurance company at least backed me saying they were valid sick days so I could not be fired.
When I got out of this numb state I moved into anger. I was furious about how my employer had treated me. Not just for the incidents that led up to my suicide attempt but all the prior incidents over the years. I get no one wants an employee like me. But I’m a person and I deserve some respect and not to be treated like that or threatened or to be made to feel so guilty for being sick. And I was angry at they system that my doctor didn’t seem to give a crap about my suffering enough to even try to get my on long term disability when I clearly needed it.
Then when that tempered down and things got back to ‘normal’ I realized I was having a hard time emotionally. I wan’t coping so well anymore. It was like in 2010 I had reached my saturation point in all the pain I could possibly take, so I tried to end it… and now, I’m still at my saturation point. I can’t take it any more. The pain drives me frantic at work. When acute migraines hit me I don’t sleep. Thinking about the future and getting through the month makes me anxious. I get bouts of intense emotional distress at the drop of a hat… just from simple things like people asking me how I am doing really, or in the morning if I’m in a lot of pain just thinking about getting up, or in the middle of the day at work thinking about how I’m going to get through the day. Tears spring to my eyes and I have to choke back this intense emotion. And I think it is because the pain was so bad I wanted to die, but I didn’t and now I don’t know how to deal with it after the fact now that I’m alive. My brain is still screaming ‘Why should you have to suffer like this?’ and I can’t come up with a good enough lie to trick it.
Or at least I think that is why I am more emotional now than I ever was prior to 2010. Prior to my facade was better. I was in the same amount of pain and I had those emotions, but I masked them from others and kept it hidden… because that’s what you do… that’s how you get through the day and function. But you can’t do it forever. I know that now. I always knew that. After though I know it more and so it is more emotional.
So it is these echoes of that attempt that keep on coming after that make you think about things. Make me realize I can’t work. No matter what my doctor says or thinks or how he fills out those damned forms… the fact is I can’t. I can’t cope with that amount of constant pain and work. It is impossible and it will kill me. So I’m doing all the right things to survive. I’m asking my doc to put me on leave, he did, I’ll ask me to put me on long term, he will fill out the forms… I’ll ask that he do a better job of it, but I don’t know if he will. I joined the FM society who seem like they will be very helpful and supportive. I am seeing a shrink to hopefully help work through some of these issues dealing with pain brings up and the emotional fluxes I have been having. This time I will do all that I can to protect myself and hopefully it will work. Obviously just giving in and doing what everyone else wants me to do because it is easier to give in than to fight isn’t working for me… it is killing me. So I have to fight for my right to survive this pain.