I went to see my psychologist today but I can’t honestly say it was that productive. You know when you have a wickedly bad migraine and you can’t think of the word you want to say and you can’t seem to finish sentences and your words are coming out funny?
That was the entire conversation.
And yes I do have a wicked migraine. That seems to be the standard these days. And apparently, my tripan simply isn’t up to the task of handling them.
However, it is more the Topamax that is to blame for the complete brain failure. And my psychologist obviously noticed the fact. And I said it was complete brain failure due to side effects. She said perhaps it would be better to see my old neuro and return to my old meds.
The shrink thinks I have a sort of defeatist attitude or am too passive. I wasn’t sure how to respond to that. As in I couldn’t think at the time.
I have time to reflect upon that now.
I actually am very passive. I am indecisive and just tend to go with what people say to do for lack of a better alternative. Otherwise, I stress myself out thinking about the situation too much.
And I do have a defeatist attitude. Well earned. It happened after my suicide attempt actually. When that literally changed absolutely nothing at all. Not work. Not treatment. Nothing. I actually became depressed after I tried to kill myself and the irony of that isn’t lost on me. Oh, I likely was before but it was depression associated with pain. High pain, depressed. Migraine, depressed. Not this depression. Not this hopelessness. Not this sense that nothing I do will ever change anything. That suffering is just what is expected of me. That I must work, and function, with a smile on my face, and in immense pain. It is a soul-sucking realization. And I feel numb by it. This sort of hopelessness I cannot shake.
And how do you even get a shred of hope back again? I have no idea. I simply don’t.