In conclusion, you have done a fine job a disabling me. No one would argue with that. Job well done. You can cut the crap now. Just decrease the frequency or intensity of the migraines from now on. Take away the vertigo… we established that was uncalled for. I’ll give you the persistent migraine auras but lets compromise and limit the amount and make them less.. warpy shall we? No on wants me to walk off a cliff I didn’t see. However, when it comes to cognitive impairments I really can’t say you won there. More of a tie. Sorry between the fibrofog and sleep deprivation I’m already pretty brainless so when you hit me with a migraine that’s just overkill; although I admit you do have a special way of making it very hard to speak and write. If you can just lessen the pain so I can, you know, function and think through it and I’d greatly appreciate it. And in return I will stop taking all those nasty nasty preventative drugs that mess with my neurotransmitters.
Write a letter to your condition what do you want to get off your chest?
Dear Chronic Migraines With Aura,
You suck. You sucked when you were episodic migraines with aura and you suck quite a bit more now. However, I do admire your tenacity to be number one. Could not let that fibromyalgia out pain you could you? No you simply had to go chronic to compete all the way. Bravo on that. You definitely win the pain game. While I will admit fibromyalgia kicked my ass when I was younger and still trying to figure out ways to cope with the pain, the fatigue, the ingrained insomnia and fibrofog I did learn. I learned well enough to get through and earn my Masters in Philosophy and lets face it, if I could think through fibro fog while thinking about paradoxes of time and learning Nietzsche I’d say I was coping well enough. Thats cutting a long story short but I definitely coped. I knew I had limitations and couldn’t do certain jobs that required… movement but that is why I was aiming for a desk job. Victory was definitely yours though wasn’t it because I definitely couldn’t go for my Phd because of you. You were the one that made it impossible to concentrate and communicate. And those Drugs said to ‘help’ made things so much worse for a student. But it was clear I couldn’t think through the pain in the way required. You still do that. Which is why you win the pain game because even fibromyalgia wouldn’t stop me from the career I chose to replace that academic path. A nice fine desk job would not have bothered the FM… I can hobble around just fine on a bad pain day, doesn’t bother me none when I sit most of the day. And my cognitive issues? Thats what sticky notes and reference notes are for. And iPhone reminders. And numerous other ways I picked up along the way. Not so when you add in your cognitive issues is it? Compounding sort of problems that make it hard to use my ‘words’ and to write and to understand language. You on the other hand… you cripple me with pain and cause oh so many missed days of work. Oddly enough my employer does not like that. And when I’m there… I’m not really there am I? I have to think through the pain you inflict on me and the tangled mess of my brain which is extremely difficult, stressful and causes a lot of errors. So now I’m on leave from work and still paying off student loans for a degree I’ll never fully use… really appreciate that by the way. But you caused quite a few leaves from work haven’t you? Must be proud of that. FM has never caused me to take a leave of absences, but you have caused… let’s see, must have been five in the last eight years. Yes you definitely Win on the knocking me down for the count front. I’m not even sure I know the meaning of the word coping anymore.
I admit you had to work hard for number one given fibro is a syndrome with so many symptoms on top of the pain. Hell that insomnia is something that is quite pervasive and makes you quite a bit worse… so made your job a bit easier I might say. Maybe even all that sensitivity to light, sound and chemicals helped you along the way. Maybe even FM helped you go chronic because it makes me wired to feel pain faster, more intensely and longer. I’m just saying… you didn’t get there on your own. But even with all those other symptoms you developed some of your own that even without the intensity of your pain I would say I would have to be impressed with your efforts. The whole persistent migraine aura was a neat trick by the way. The visual snow? Loads of fun. I love to see TV static everywhere moving all the time making me sea sick and obscuring the details of reality. But you couldn’t just stop at that… you had to make it weird. You had to add halos, starbursts, scintillations, coronas, heatwaves, flickering. So many visual anomalies that I have to see the irony. A philosophy major and all. Seeing isn’t believing. Appearance vs reality. Perception vs reality. Anyway, just want to say I am stunned at how creative you can be on that front… I do find some of the auras very beautiful but I must say sometimes it is a good idea to be able to see reality firmly. Gets in the way you understand. Sometimes you make it so very hard to focus on things when they warp and shift like that… or when objects appear to be moving when they are not… or when stripes and patterns swim in my vision and make me ill. Also I really don’t appreciate the fact you added in the migraine associated vertigo as yet another migraine symptom to occur without an actual migraine. That one I have even more troubles ignoring. I can just be minding my own business standing stationary and then the ground seems to fall beneath my feet causing me to stagger. How you must laugh and laugh. It isn’t funny. Certainly isn’t funny when it happens when I’m driving since any motion seems to trigger that vertigo. And I don’t like falling while I’m driving. Also don’t like the falling and spinning while I’m trying to sleep either. Or the spinning or rocking you randomly inflict at other times. None of it. For some reason it really doesn’t help with nausea. Did I ever tell you I used to get motion sickness when I was younger? Enough said. Stop with the motion crap. And while I’m at it… stop with the ringing in the ears. You can muffle my hearing, or do the whole broken speaker box thing if you just Stop the Ringing for God Sakes.