coping with CM Moody rant

I rather got my feelings hurt today- sometimes it isn’t worth getting out of bed

I went out to the racetrack today for one of my brothers birthday which was fine. I’m still feeling rather sore from my vacation so it doesn’t take much to tire me out. Then add it in drive and the evil, evil sun and I was brewing a migraine. Nothing out of the ordinary there. It was my brothers birthday and I wanted to go so I went, and the migraine only kicked in after the exposure to the sun. But my spouse talked to my older brother and they decide, hey we should all go to his place in the country and have some drinks and we can just spend the night there. Well, thanks for the heads up. If he had asked me first it would have been a big Hell No… I feel like I have been trampled by a herd of elephants, but I was then obliged to say sure. Because that is what my idea of fun is hanging out when I am in a boatload of pain and obviously can’t drink around people who are completely liquored up. Or I could drink and see how much worse the pain gets… that is always a very fun mistake to make. Anyway, nothing to do about it but try and pretend it is going to suck balls for me and be rather painful… and hope it is fun enough I forget about the pain, which happens from time to time. I just like to be really moderate in my social events, my drinking (the few times a year that happens) and have the possibility of going home available to me for various health reasons. Usually because it is so uncomfortable I end up just staying up till my spouse wakes up and thats super fun for me. Counting sheep and whatnot. I like to hang out with my older brother though even if his girlfriend can be rather dramatic and some of the things she has stirred up lately have rather ticked me off. That is generally none of my business and she is fine to hang out with. I took my triptan on the way home and then loaded up on all my medication… my spouse wavered on the idea of spending the night there but I said better safe than sorry so I made sure I was prepared just in case. If he had more than a few drinks… we’d stay no matter my pain levels at that point really. And if he wanted to leave early I was good with that obviously because I felt like crap. But the triptan worked so at least that was good… unfortunately they rarely work for long so I knew it would more than likely be back even though I had treated it pretty quickly.

I felt decent head wise when the triptan kicked in and was enjoying myself. So I actually did have a few beers and nursed them. I was sore though and drained. And wobbly in those joints still as the ache spreads from being up walking and standing all day. I would not have had more because of the FM pain alone would have been magnified but then I began to feel that ache in my head and realized, yeah, that was a mistake because now here comes that migraine back again. But I ignored it because what else am I going to do? I had already took the triptan. I just had something else to drink. My brothers girlfriend really wanted to drink though and really wanted me to as well, but that wasn’t happening for me anyway. She sure did. My spouse as it turns out really didn’t want to drink that much either. He didn’t know if he wanted to stay so he really paced himself while he decided and since generally he is the early to bed type he just got tired rather than in the mood to party. So why stay when he knew he would crash within half an hour? So he says to my brother he was thinking we might just drive home. He might have changed his mind had we stayed and he got in the mood a bit. And really when it comes down to it, I said it didn’t matter to me. There would be pain and it would suck in some ways, but it would be fun in others and lack of sleep has never hurt me yet. I was prepared one way or the other so I left it up to him, but he said to my brother he was thinking we’d just go home.

But when my brother tells his girlfriend we are going to leave she has a freaking hissy fit. At first it just made me uncomfortable… like one gets around emotional drunk people making a scene about something irrational. But then she got insulting and hurtful. She said we were rude to leave. That you don’t just come to someone’s place to hang out and then leave and not spend the night. I had not realized it was an obligation… had not recalled signing a contract and sure as hell would not have gone out there had it been so set in stone. Then she said we didn’t like to spend time with him or her. That she had gone through all that effort to be nice and we were being so rude and disrespectful. And on and on and on. To him, not at me, although I was right there. And it made me tear up. Because my spouse would have had more to drink had he not been thinking of me and that he might need to drive me home. And I can’t just drink it up and party all night long. Migraines don’t like it and my spouse knew I had just treated one earlier and he knew I was still sore as hell. So he was thinking of me and my needs and my comfort. Had I been in one of those rare times when I actually could have had more than a few drinks and didn’t feel like someone beat the crap out of me, then of course, my spouse would have noticed that… he was pretty much keyed into when I drank and my mood and at one point figured we would stay because at one point my migraine was gone, but when he noticed I stopped drinking and really mellowed then so did he… he just really pays attention to that. Because he knows it is a drag for me to not only be in pain, but to be around a bunch of people having a blast while in pain, and being stuck there. And the fact that she was being so insulting about this really hurt me. I can’t help that I can’t be that sociable. I can’t help that I can’t just drink when I want to. That pain makes me less inclined to be sociable in the first place. That is easier and better for me to socialize in small gaps and not extend it for all nighters. And if we make the choice to leave because I wasn’t up for socializing or drinking… it is damned hurtful to say that is rude and to say that I am being hurtful to my family. Normally someone being that drunk and dramatic wouldn’t phase me… it must be just that I was so drained and so damned sore that I found those words as hurtful as I did, when I actually went out there when I really wasn’t feeling up for it, had a good time even though I was in pain and thought that was fine, thought was good. Instead I felt like a loser cripple, whose chronic pain apparently is hurtful to them. I think even now that should make me angry but I still am hurt. Possibly because I want to spend time with my family and my older brother who I rarely see and yeah my damned chronic pain gets in the way of that a lot of the time so it sucks. She was just oblivious though, not insulting my health, she was just insulting us generally without understanding that is my effing Life. You’d think she would get that by now, but whatever. I sure didn’t feel inclined on staying after that show or going back anytime soon. She may have been completely sloshed but I was sober so I remember what she said even if she will not. And while I don’t really have the energy to hold grudges I also don’t have the energy for that sort of spontaneous drama crap. I don’t think I’ll be up for any of that sort of not fun any time soon. Maybe on a real good pain day when it won’t phase me. https://w.atcontent.com/-/27l_WanIYMa/nikki.albert/7_6Uy5vpADj.text/Panel/Autocheck

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