I am migraineI am shrouded in shadowsAnd hidden in caves.You yearn for the light.But you are my slave.Want to fight_I dare you.Go into the light.png

I cannot even grasp the meaning of functional anymore. It is beyond me. I am in agony right now as I write this. Too much pain to sleep and have been immobile all day. Unable to function. Unable to do anything because of the pain and the auras. Is that the line I wonder? That I was incapacitated all day and even now I am unable to sleep because the pain is too acute and I cannot lie down because the pain in my head hurts too much to touch the pillow? Is that the line and anything below that are some gray area doctors and insurance companies make up when it suits them? I mean how bad is bad? How much pain do you have to be in for someone to say you cannot function at a job? How many symptoms do you have to have? How safe is it for you to be driving even?

My long-term ends at the end of the year. My insurance company says for it to continue it has to be demonstrated that not only can I not do my job but not A job. What difference is there? If I called in sick way too many times to the job I had how would that be any different for any other job? If I have aphasia with one job how would that be different from another? If I have trouble thinking through pain and made all these little errors that I could never find in one job then what makes you think I would not do that in another… possibly a lot more depending on the type of job, to be honest. If I have problems with fluorescent lights and light in general… what sort of job doesn’t have that? If I had problems with Pain and then sleep deprivation and then bouts of depression from just working… how would that be resolved? How would I not have suicidal thoughts from the pain, sleep deprivation and bouts of depression? And if I had five short-term leaves of absence from my job in seven years (if not more, I know it was five for sure, counting the suicide attempt)… how is that considered functional and how would that work at any other job… along with all those sick days… employers frown on both.

You see the problem isn’t Can I do another job. Of course, I Can. Some would be worse by far of course. Some would be mildly better. But the fact remains the Migraines would be the same for All of them. And the Pain would not be controlled for Any of them. Nor the aura symptoms which really muck things up. Or the vertigo which really mucks things up. And the auras and the vertigo… makes my driving risky business indeed. So, of course, the Situation is exactly the same… if I can’t do my job, I won’t be able to do any job. The same problem is there. Unless something is done about the problem I’m screwed.

So it was a seriously depressing conversation to me because I know insurance companies look at it this way and I know they rarely for some reason continue disability. I know this and it doesn’t matter that they cannot comprehend that I cannot function. I wish they could. I wish they and many more people could comprehend how functionally screwed I am on so many levels. But they can’t and it doesn’t matter anyway. Because I am also screwed on a financial level. Do I want them to continue my disability… yes, I do. It is barely sufficient for me to survive on… but if I figure out a way… I will do it. And maybe it will give me the Time to find alternatives. Or get treatment and then have Options. And it would calm this depression and anxiety I have about working for now so I can find those solutions. Instead, I know they will decline it and I will have more anxiety, depression, and fear about working. It is my survival at stake here… but they don’t take pain that seriously. Obviously, I know different. But I have no choices. I desperately need some choices.

So when I get declined? What is that definition of functional? You are good to suffer immensely at another job that will cause the same problems for you, possibly causing you to want to wish you were dead… but we think that is all good as long as we don’t have to pay you, so have fun with that.

It seems close to what a doctor’s definition of functional is. Well you have to preventive that works currently, but you have triptans… so you’re fine to work and maybe the neuro will help in a year when you see him. And that happens over and over again.

See more:

Invisible disability: Good employers and bad employers

Is fibromyalgia a disability?

Living wage. vs. Disability income

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