Sometimes I have to wonder what is wrong with my brain

Other than the brainless part obviously. Can’t wonder about that now can I? I forget mid-wonder.

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However, I have had migraines a long time and other people have also had migraines a long time. And I know migraine symptoms change from time to time. Like, for example, back in the day I used to have horrible nausea to the point that I needed to go on the melt in your mouth (and in your hands) triptans because the pill form would not stay down long enough to be remotely effective. And now nausea is an issue, some migraines more than others, but intestinal complaints Far more common… and that is a lesser discussed migraine symptom but trust me it is one and not a fun one. Also by the way, far more problematic it turns out than the nausea even was… also not really one that is treated which would be why running to the bathroom say fifty times in an hour is slightly problematic if you are at work. But that is another issue.

Point is symptoms can change. I get that. We all get that. And every migraine is potentially a new experience waiting to happen. Gee what will This one bring? Nausea? Vomiting? Numbness? Sparkly lights? Blindness? Itchy armpits? One never knows. That is what makes them so fun. Right?

And some of us get chronic migraines. This isn’t rare. Not like they seem to suggest. Not like random people think. How can you get migraines that frequently? Can’t they Do something about that? What causes them to happen like that in you? Something must be wrong there. Something is wrong. My brain is on fire. I tried squirting water into my ears but it didn’t reach my brain. I thought it would because I am so damned brainless from all these migraines I thought my brains must be leaking out my ears for sure… so there must be access through there, but clearly my water gun didn’t have enough pressure. Might explain the tinnitus though. So it isn’t statistically abnormal for me to get chronic migraines. It just sucks.

I specifically have migraines with aura. Nothing odd about that. Just the type I get. I then got persistent migraine auras. That is a little more rare. I don’t have a stat on that but it is rare enough to always have an aura. Like I said. Brain on fire. I thought it was odd that my auras were so damn varied and diverse. And the became more so as my migraines became more frequent. I mean the list of visual auras I get within my persistent migraine aura is insane. I had initially thought this was normal. That in fact when you were diagnosed with persistent migraine aura… you just got a crapload of auras but I soon learned that isn’t in fact true, nor is it in fact true that you Constantly have an aura. Nor is it true that everyone with PMA has visual snow or that they are distinct, which is something I also learned much later. So the more research I did into migraines to see if there was a medication that might help with all this visual crap the more I realized that even the case studies were not that bad. As in not that intense or varied or diverse. And I was like what the hell? And i tried to express this to my neuro by it is like they think you are just describing the ‘pretty lights’ and not that those damn lights are there all the damn time and there are quite a bit of them. I just didn’t get why they didn’t take it seriously. Maybe because they assume when they treat the migraines, they treat the auras. Which might very well be true… if they could treat the bloody migraines. But then they keep coming up with things like Botox, which fine, awesome, if it worked in the first place, but secondly that would not treat the auras in the least bit now would it? And again, this failure to communicate. I mean things are pulsing, flickering, warping, moving, shifting, blurring… and then all the sparkles, blind spots and vortexes. I will write up a bloody list for the next neuro, but my point is… I do realize it is rare to have the diversity in them, the constant flux of them and at times it can be very intense and distorting. But I have gotten pretty used to ignoring the majority of it, except when it is extreme of course, but clearly it hinders my visual acuity, certainly in certain conditions it always does. I am aware it could be worse. I know of cases where it is. I just also know it has progressed which I don’t like. Has not responded to treatment, which sucks. And I wonder why my brain projects so much variety in visual phenomena when in the beginning there was just the visual snow and scintillating scotomas. Things just got weird. Then weirder. It is like you wish you could put glasses on and make things clear again.. and also stable… but there are no glasses for it so you have to pretend it is okay that you are short-sighted, for example, and everything is grainy, hazy, warped and shifting and never really clear. Not cool, man, not cool.

If that had been it… would have been weird and it is weird. And an issue and it is an issue. But I would not have wondered about what the hell is up with my brain, because there are enough people I have encountered now a days with social media to know as rare as PMAs are there are people who can get them as messed up as me. So knowing that means it is possible and therefore good enough for me. My neuros are not complete idiots.

Then that occasional vertigo symptom became this constant vertigo symptom. Know as vestibular migraines or also known as migraine associated vertigo… same thing. People do get VMs. It happens. I know more than a few of us. According to the classification it is vertigo within the migraine. There seems to be a subset of us where we just get these episodes of vertigo whenever or extremely responsive to motion all the time. And that makes me wonder. There is some indication they are looking into a classification for chronic VMs. And really how can I tell anyway when my migraines are daily and the vertigo can be part of the aura? It is just that I know it can occur long before a migraine. So I don’t get the vertigo deal. I did. It did make sense within this classification prior to it going nuts. It was very much associated with migraines and not an all the time migraine aura or symptom either. And it also occurred with motion… but things like planes and elevators. And I do get tinnitus and hearing muffled and hearing fluctuations which are also associated with this and while the tinnitus is constant, it gets worse with migraines and the hearing issues seem to be mostly migraine related. But the vertigo itself got really worse really fast. Just one day I started getting it before I fell asleep and in the morning quite often… that sensation of falling, not falling, falling… worst roller-coaster ride ever. Makes you nauseous. It is disorientating. You can’t sleep. At all like that. And this was with or without a migraine. I rarely have migraines in the morning unless it is continued from the previous day. And that means it would be a aura well in advance of the migraine itself. I would also with a morning migraine… so not a good day to wake up with a migraine, get spinning vertigo And falling sensation… so spinning and falling. Horrific. And this leads to vomiting. A lot. And bedridden after the vomiting. So whatever, sleep and migraines suck, right? I also had this thing when I drove where when I stopped… I still saw the road moving. And sometimes the sidewalk when I got out of the car. And I felt unbalanced and off. That was often with a migraine. Then one day out of the blue I started getting drop attacks… or what I can only describe as the sensation one foot suddenly falling down about a foot, so you lurch the other way to save yourself. And kept happening. All day. For Weeks. It was as all down the slippery vertigo slope from there. I frequently got the swaying and rocking vertigo after that… it is very common one for me. I get the room spinning vertigo when I move abruptly, unpredictably. I get dropping sensations when I am sitting, like the rocking, but you just feel a jolt down. Elevators still cause that feeling after I get off of dropping every few steps and the ground feels spongy. Planes cause the lurching foot business… for about a week and spongy ground. Driving can cause the dropping sensation, but also have issues tracking motion, get all fuzzy headed and after perceive motion that isn’t there. Or if a long trip get really warped perceptions of motion and sensations of motion all day. I’m insanely motion sensitive. But the intense episodes of vertigo are short. Mostly it seems to be rocking, swaying, trouble tracking motion, sudden movement issues, dropping sensations. But from sporadic to this seems crazy to me. This is just the last few years of this persistent vertigo though so I don’t really understand it. I know it isn’t that common.

So two conditions associated with migraines that are not that common. And chronic migraines that are daily. I mean that really makes a person wonder what the eff is up with their brain. I migraine auras are part of my type so sort of used to that fact. But the vertigo I speculate since it just appeared could just go away of its own accord, right? But that is the thing with migraines. They don’t stay the same. And they can be complex.

I swear if one more symptom decides to go nuts and just occur of its own accord… I will be seriously displeased. And also offer my brain up to science upon my demise. Because, honestly, what other part of the brain could decide to constantly misfire at this point? No… I should not jinx it. I’ll start speaking with an accent like that rare neurological speaking issue and it would likely be the worst accent ever. Anyway, at some point you just want to put that fire out. Migraines are supposed to have a time limit. Weird shit, then migraine, then crappy hangover. Not weird shit all the time… and migraines mixed in there because it is that much fun to stir all that up and add in some pain. At some point you start thinking this doesn’t make any sense… I think there is lead in my drinking water. Something.

I do take comfort in the fact there are symptoms I do not in fact get with migraines. And also some of the symptoms I do get are not insanely over the top crazy. So some parts of my brain have yet to catch fire. That is a good sign right?


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