There are a lot of things to be thankful for. Some major and some minor. I am thankful always for my boyfriend and family because I love them and because they are always supportive and awesome. And even friends I have not seen in a long time because I am such a hermit. And I am thankful for all the online friends because I am such a hermit. And I am thankful for low pain days and pain gaps in the day which seems like a sucky thing to be thankful for but is pretty necessary in the scheme of things. I am thankful there is no snow on the ground yet. I am thankful for great books and good movies. And chocolate. And a decent healthcare system. I am thankful for a roof over my head and food in my stomach.
And I am thankful that I exist. At one time I thought my existence was too painful to continue and that if I ceased to exist it would have no real impact on the world. That I had no imprint on the world. I had no real friends left due to having decreased my social life to nonexistent over time to manage trying to function in the workplace. I still had some ‘friended’ on Facebook but never saw them in reality. And I had support group friends of course. I wasn’t really functioning in the workplace so I knew full well they wanted some way to get rid of me and so if I ceased to exist they would be more than pleased to replace me with a fully functioning model… with some manufactured sadness I’m sure. I knew there would be real mourning from some of my co-workers who I knew fairly well and liked but it would not last too long I thought because they didn’t know me really well. My family I thought would be better off with out me. I thought my boyfriend would be better off with out me… he would mourn and then eventually find a girlfriend he could Do things with. He could go places with. Socialize with people. Go on trips with. Not waste his Life with someone incapable of doing things. And I would leave him better of financially because some our debts were covered by insurance and I had some life insurance through work to cover any remainders and funeral expenses. My investments, such as they were, would be his. To me that meant I was taking care of him in a way I could not in life. I knew my family would have a hard time of it… but at the same time I knew they would understand it was the pain that was the cause of it.
So then I tried to cease to exist. And I failed because my brother found me through random chance he had been awake when normally he would have been sound asleep and for some reason chose to come up stairs and for some reason came to check on me. Something had happened though being that I had cut my wrists, prior to that I took a bunch of sleeping pills. And being as they sort of warp my willpower I thought I should post something nice on Facebook since it was the middle of the night… nothing about what I was actually doing but something nice. But those sleeping pills had already kicked in… so what I wrote was incoherent and what was was disturbing to some people. People came out of the woodwork. Asking me what was wrong and so forth by then I don’t believe I was on there because I was rather occupied with step two. But friends I knew from long ago, support ground friends and family members were equally disturbed. A family member of my in another province started calling hospitals in my area. My ex-boyfriend who I am friends with on facebook but doesn’t know my number… called my mother. Someone called the police. Not sure who. And my mom came to the house as did the police. I was gone of course since my brother insisted we go to the ER. They woke up my boyfriend and they all ended up at the ER.
Point is I heard form a lot of people after that that I had not heard from in a long time. People just came out of the woodwork distressed about what I had almost accomplished. And I think that my ceasing to exist would have no impact… that I had no imprint on the world… I was quite mistaken. We touch lives with ours. And those friends we let drift away they still care about you even though you can’t see them because they live elsewhere. We have an impact on this world. Our existence means something.
And after my survival and seeing the impact on my family it was difficult to endure. I never want to cause them pain… just end my own. And I understood that was selfish at the time… but the pain was just too much to handle.
Our existence matters. I’m thankful I exist. I could not have. This migraine disease could have killed me. I am thankful it did not succeed that day. Thankful to understand that even if I cannot work, even even society diminishes my worth… I matter. I mean something to someone else.
I like to think of this because each of us matters and we should never lose another to suicide again. It is important for me, so much, to raise awareness on the subject and hopefully we get better treatment of this disease, better pain management, and we survive. I don’t want anyone to have to go through what I went through. Or to die from this disease by suicide. I am thankful I did not. I am thankful I can talk about it and hopefully it helps someone. I am thankful it gave me the drive to raise more awareness. This is a very important topic and issue for me. We should never be quiet about the battle we have within. We need to find ways to be open about it and talk about it in safe places of our choosing… but we need to talk about it.