Painful consciousness

I know there is no coming to consciousness without pain. We all have pain in our lives. But I would say for me there is no consciousness without pain. I am conscious. And therefore I am in pain.

I have not blogged for a few days and that is in fact because I am in a crapton of pain. This whole working thing is just… significant. It is not just that it is triggering my vertigo, which it sure the hell is. It is amplifying and extending every migraine. This current one is two days in a row of upper level 8 to 9 level pain. I have been physically ill with it. Unable to really even eat. I thought I was getting sick, but, no, just a horrific migraine. There is not an inch of space from the neck up that does not hurt like hell at this point. I have tried my triptan. Failed. Painkillers… not remotely strong enough. So I suffer.

A abhor people who diminish the significance of this pain. Like the insurance company that cleared me for work when I had not improved at all. Those sorts of people. It is just headaches, right? So many people do not comprehend the extent migraines can get to when they are chronic. That they are an attack. A neurological event. That they can last from 4 hours to 3 DAYS. Unless they go status, in which case, even longer.

I used some banked time to leave early today because yesterday I felt so violently ill I thought I must be getting sick. So I thought I would use the banked hours to leave early the next day since no one likes to work sick. I am glad I asked to use them. I needed it. The pain was ripping a hole through my brain at that point. No one liked to work in that sort of pain. And this is what is expected of me. I am not sure what is to be done about it. I will have to think about it seriously. Very seriously. If things get worse, as they tend to do, I will end up in a place that is very familiar to me. A hell I do not ever want to experience again. I just cannot go through all that again.

It was not a mistake to try and go back. I had to find some sort of job might as well go back to what I was doing and then assess what I needed to do. The mistake was on the insurance company stating that I was ‘significantly improved’ in the first place. They are the ones that were wrong here. But that is because they don’t want to pay. So they will get out of paying. And it wasn’t a mistake to try again. We can make changes and hope that our coping is strong enough to handle the significant change of going back to work. But in such pain, today and yesterday, working, and I just didn’t want to be there suffering like that, muddling through things and trying to think straight. If it was a lower pain, fine, I can work through it. But when it gets up there, I am really not very functional. I can’t even say people’s names right.

I have some days off so hopefully, the pain will subside to its ‘normal’ migraine strength and give me a bit of a break. Before going back to work and having it rise back up again. I’m in ‘working’ migraine mode though, and it is an unspeakable hell.


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