I know with chronic pain we are expected to be functional with pain. I remember in the pain 101 class he had talked about how we should not stop living our lives. To a point that is true. We should not stop socializing. Being with people. Doing things we enjoy. Being in the world.
But to a point. To a point.
Beyond that point, there is something horrifying in that word functional. It says I have to repress all this pain, smile and try to just push through it while trying to work. It is a cruelty. It is a torment. For all the good things there are about work. For all the enjoyment I take from doing it, I cannot seem to get past the cruelty of having to try and function under the increased intensity of pain.
I think the primary reason is is that because it exceeds my pain tolerance. So I lose my capacity to live other aspects of my life. To socialize. Being with people. Doing things I enjoyed. Being in the world. It all shrinks to getting through the pain. That seems wrong to me. So very wrong.
I think that means I am not functional at all. Generally, when I go on like this I prove it too. Because you can’t go on exceeding your pain limits for long. It gets to you. You crash and burn.