I have had a rough few days off. I have been just right sick. Nauseated. Vertigo. Have not really been able to eat and somehow managed to lose five pounds in the process, but since I have been rather ill I suppose that is not that surprising.
I missed work today and that makes me uncomfortable. Not because I was ill, but because it was the first time I missed work since I have returned. The first time I have missed work with this current manager. Makes me anxious. And I feel guilty about even though I was so ill. Even though I would have had some serious issues working like that… unless there was a bathroom two feet from my office. Hell if I could have just lived in the bathroom all day. Because that is what I did.
I suppose now that it is late and I am now in so much pain due to being so ill all day, I am now upset over it more. It is just a sign of unpleasantness. A sign of non-functioning. A sign of being unable to physically cope with the stresses of work and how they affect my body. The lack of control I have over that if it is, in fact, the case.
You know just feels like the pain is just waiting to steal my tomorrows. Just a whisper away. I know what it is like to hold onto work long past when I should. It is never pleasant. It is an ordeal no one should have to ever endure. But we do because we must… for many reasons often but mostly just because we have to live and earn money and it is necessary.
So I feel drained, sick and in pain and finally, my mood has tanked with it. Wondering how this is going to even be possible again. How can I maintain?