I had a holiday from work this last week. All I accomplished was Netflix and reading, because I am tired. I wanted some down time from the pain or I should say from having to endure the pain while trying to function at work.
I am back to work tomorrow. Right now I have an insanely painful migraine and my mood is low, because I don’t want to suffer more as happens when I work. But I must and it makes me moody and sad that my time is up.
As someone with more than a few forms of chronic pain and a few chronic illness I wonder why we never earn our rest. Because, damn, I am tired. I even know the answer but it is of little comfort to me when I feel cruddy, in pain and know I am likely to not get much sleep tonight. And I wonder can we ever earn our rest? Are the pain and suffering ever enough for someone to say ‘Yes, you have suffered enough. Enough is enough.’ Or is it all about pushing you to function even when you truly never really can? Is it all really about conformity and societal norms? Forcing us to fit in when we cannot? Because being disabled is seen as a weakness, a lack, a shame, and something to be avoided at all costs?
I don’t like this game of survival. I feel like I am losing. I feel like forcing functionality on someone who can’t function is torment that shouldn’t be endured.
My reality is I am constantly playing a game of surviving the pain. Function with the pain. Reality bites. Reality continues to ruin my life because this life I play by the rules pain has laid out for me.
I could say more, but it would be ranty and moody. Because that is the level of pain I am at right now. Where I could not be positive about pain if I tried, not while its claws are digging into me.