“A white blank page and a swelling rage, rage
You did not think when you sent me to the brink, to the brink” ~Mumford & Sons. (I happen to be listening to them and that lyric caught my attention. Reminds me of losing control of pain and the disinterest of those that should be helping you through it).
Fact is I am not well tonight. I missed work today and I feel immensely guilty for this, as per usual. I know this cannot continue, but at the same time… the migraines are getting worse. I am not sure if they are getting worse because I am quitting smoking and that tends to make them worse… does every time with the quitting smoking products to the increase in stress. Or if it is just work and lack of sleep, which is pretty major all catching up with me. Lack of sleep is a big factor but it always is when I am working. Work itself in pain is difficult and stressful.
And I am tired. And it just hurts. And I wonder why do I have to put myself through all this? Over and over again. Clearly, I can’t do it. Clearly doing it makes me very emotionally overwrought. It is mentally and emotionally exhausting. Fatiguing.
They ask so much from us, don’t they? Doctors. Neuros. Pain clinics. Society. Want us to dance like puppets with painted smiles. To do what everyone else days, better even, but with a boatload of pain, fatigue, concentration problems and other problematic symptoms.