Unfortunately, a second suicide attempt

You want to know what timing is?

Writing an article about your last suicide attempt days before your next one.

(Selfish) “There is a thought process that we go through during these times. My existence was torture and it seemed unreasonable that I should have to exist this way. Irrational that I would choose to exist in that pain and in fact choose to make it worse. Why would any sane person do that? And all avenues I had tried to reduce that pain had been used up. Society, my employer and my doctor at the time were all by their lack of caring and disinterest stating they wanted me to suffer. So this was my existence. Forever. And forever is a long time when you are in pain. A very long time. You see how endless and indefinite it is. If you just knew how long it was you had to go on. You begin to think how nice it would be to have a fatal stroke because… that would not be your fault. Then you imagine if you could kill yourself but make it look like an accident then no one would have to suffer with the knowledge that you had killed yourself. Clearly, I knew I was suicidal but these were Bad Days with Bad Thoughts. And my bad pain days were usually status migraine stretches, so I just had to wait them out… until I could get back to normal pain days. Normal hell. Then my workplace would give me these ultimatums. If you do not work every day… we will do something unpleasant. And that would cause more pain, more stress, more suffering. Until that last ultimatum in that last status migraine…”

drowning sufforcate.png

Last night I tried to kill myself. So add me to the statistic of repeat offenders. However, a friend online picked up on the oddness of my posts and tried to get a hold of me and got more information, was more concerned and encouraged me to call 911, which I in fact did.

What is similar about attempts is that a) Status migraines of an Acute migraine lasting longer than 3 days. b) working full-time and having trouble with that. And C) sleep deprivations for the pain levels.

Last time I had been getting a lot of suicidal ideation. A lot of status migraines. Was actually in a state of frantic desperation. And had to work… or else.

This time, my manager is a great guy, so motivates me to work. Doesn’t make me feel horrible when I can’t. Makes me feel good when I do good. No ultimatums. I was getting some suicidal ideation but it was all passive…. all wish I could sleep and not wake up, wish I would have a heart attack and not have to deal with this.I just started work though since April, so only two status migraines so far. Anyway, what is truly different is what in the status migraine I had no intention of doing anything that night at all. By mood was poor due to all the pain. I was exhausted from the lack of sleep. And I knew I would not get much sleep for the next day. Dreaded the next work day in fact with all the pain on so little sleep. … and in a short span of time convincing myself spontaneously death was the answer. And clearly didn’t ponder it long either. Just went right ahead.

And I was right after my first suicide attempt that once you cross the line between thought and action… it is easier to cross it again. I had worried about it. With reason as it turns out. Put me in the same situation; work full time, stress, status migraine, lack of sleep enough times…. get the same response, or the temptation, or the thought.

Which means, logically, I have to change one of those factors.

Apparently, I love August though because my first attempt was August 2010

Full-time work is the problem. I can’t cope with the pain. Despite what my insurance company said I wasn’t ‘significantly improved’. I have depression. I have chronic migraines. None of that has changed. I also have fibromyalgia, which is an added pain factor that really complicates things. Add in full-time work and I can’t cope. The pain gets worse, my sleep gets worse, my mood gets worse… and it spirals out of control. This was a very spontaneous attempt. I can’t even say the reasoning behind it because I took medication that causes retrograde amnesia, which shouldn’t be a factor but it was so spontaneous that that small window is hazy to me. I don’t know what my reasoning was. And it is disturbing to me. However, I clearly need more aggresive depression treatment.


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