I hover between too disabled to matter or too able to be disabled. And because of that, I live in this place where I get very angry because it seems to me everyone (everyone medical that is) wants to push you to work. Even if that is something you can determine is just not possible. You wish that it were, but know that it is not. Yet that is their ultimate goal. To get you just sufficiently well enough that you will be miserable working. Not in enough pain to want to kill yourself… but close. And they will call that a victory. It infuriates me.
It is like my quality of life means nothing. I know how I can maintain, carefully, with a lot of work and effort when I am not working. And it is not easy. And obviously, I am still in the same amount of pain. But I maintain my suffering and my mood. I do not overextend myself. I do not overdo it. And I know what happens when I work and everything falls apart.
It is really a catch 22. If you are off work and you get to a point with all that work, planning and effort… some moron will assume you are ‘significantly improved’ even though the pain itself has not changed at all. Then they will send you back to work where you will rapidly get ‘significantly worse’ because they are morons. Thus how I ended up on so many bloody short-term leaves. Round and round we go with no one learning the obvious lesson here. Sometimes people just cannot function at work. Just the way life is. We want to, we try, we fail, we try again, we fail, we try again… we fail. We know we can’t. But apparently, the medical field and insurance companies are really slow learners.
Frankly, I am really angry about it. Even though there is nothing I can do and I am utterly powerless I am so angry about this. And immensely tired. I loathe even having to go through the damn process again. I doubt very much it will work in my favor since it never does. It seems so damn pointless to me. Yet I will because I must.