Worthless

Sometimes we have negative thoughts we habitually think when we encounter situations. And these thoughts stem from core beliefs. My psychologist was saying I have a core belief that I am worthless. And if you feel worthless already then when you have all those negative thoughts and feel like a burden to loved ones, it makes it so much easier to think of suicide as an option.

I wanted to disagree because I think I do have worth… in some ways. But the fact remains if I look at my negative thoughts that stem around pain… that is what comes out.

  • If I can’t work I have no value to society.
  • If I cannot function then have no real use to people.
  • If I cannot work a real job then I am lesser as a person.
  • I don’t want to make a fuss about my pain or health issues because I don’t think I am important enough to.
  • I am functionally useless and a burden to those that love me.

I could go on, but you get the picture. It stems from decades with chronic pain. Having my pain diminished. Making it feel like I should be ashamed of it, hide it. Knowing medical professions would not treat it because they didn’t believe it was real or as bad.

It stems from knowing what you were capable of and having it slowly being taken away from you year by year.

So you have to confront the core beliefs in order to beat it to death. And I am finding this exercise excessively difficult. It was to come up with some things that fit under ‘I am human and I contribute in my own ways’. At that time I found four things in which I contribute in my own ways. And now I must come up with more but I find it very difficult to do. Likely the point.

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