You know dealing with chronic pain, fatigue, stress, chronic illness, and depression is a raw deal. It is sort of this daily battle of crap just from getting out of bed. The first battle: getting out of bed. The next battle trying to pretend it isn’t, in fact, a battle.
This is our everyday existence. We have our baseline pain days. Our moderate pain days. And our horrifically bad pain days. We moderate our activities. We have defined limits. We feel like we never get anything done. We feel guilty about what we cannot do. We feel like our brains are balls of cotton balls and just all hazed out. We fumble along just trying to manage things and trying to not think about the pain, that is very much top of mind. The pain eats at our concentration and memory capacity. We feel so very drained of energy from this constant struggle to get our bodies to do things. The fight with chronic pain leaves us with no motivation and no sense of accomplishment.
Yet we get used to the status quo. Or at least try. I have depression as well and so the status quo is very much a problem for me at this time.
However, when any life stress comes along the way, which happens to us all, it is immensely hard to deal with. It just slams into us. Increasing the pain. Increasing the fatigue. Certainly not helping with mood or coping. Not with depression certainly. We don’t handle stresses well. Our body doesn’t handle it well… due to the fact it is Always at the peak of stress already, by compounding it is just getting slammed with too much stress. It has a serious impact.
That is where I find myself. Struggling with mood and pain flare-ups that are seriously nasty and can’t be explained by anything other than the fact I am immensely stressed out. About something, I have no control over. It has to do with my insurance company and long-term disability and a creditor insurance claim… both of which I have heard nothing from and it is now the end of the year. I expected to hear from both two weeks ago. But again no power to do anything about it. So the stress eats at me. Messing with pain levels. Messing with my already very unpredictable mood.
I am not sure what we are supposed to do with these situations and this high stress. Not think about it? This does not work when you have some very real concerns you have to think about. Not get depressed? Easily said not so easily done. Not worry? That boat has sailed, my friends. I have been trying to just take one day at a time and just do it that way. But Christmas is stressful enough I think without all this added on top. I have been oversleeping because I don’t need to think when sleeping and I am very aware that is a sign of depression. But not thinking is better than thinking. The stress reminds me of working… because the stress of any sort brings with it more pain. Like working does.