Paingry: Angry, so angry but trying not to show it.

paingry_The emotional state of anger caused by long term pain. And being in intense pain and damn angry about it..png

Gripping about that irritation from pain. Good thing no one is psychic from the angry little thoughts this pained brain comes up with when trying to function through the pain.

People like to think pain is just a sensation. It is initiated by something and the signal travels to the brain, the brain says ‘Ow there is an injury down there’ and sends a signal back to signal pain. But that isn’t true or you would stub your toe and go ‘Oh I have hurt my toe’. Instead, you go ‘For effing sakes mother tucking fudge makers’. This is because the pain circuit includes the emotion sectors of the brain. Pain includes a Reaction.

So we have a broken system with chronic pain. But it is still wired as a circuit, just in an endless loop. We still have an emotional reaction to pain. Doesn’t mean the mood is the Cause of pain. Or a Trigger for migraines. It just means we have a Reaction to our pain sensation.

We are aware of this.

Pain makes us frustrated.

Pain makes us angry

Pain can make us silent or irritated.

I was thinking along the lines of that just frustrated ball of irritation today.

I think we have to acknowledge this is part of pain. There is hardwired a reaction in there. Some days better than others. I also believe part of our adapting and coping with chronic pain is our ability to respond to these reactions.

For example, pain often makes me irritated. Hard for it not to. Often it is when I am trying to function through it. I get irritated when people interrupt my focus because I am trying so damn hard to focus. Or when they talk about inane things and I am in so much bloody pain. And my response is to be silent. It is habitual now. Because I am really polite and I always think before I speak. I would never want to say something in anger or irritation that I do not mean. So in defense, I become more and quieter the more pain I am in.

But it is hard because I am irritated because I am Having to Function through the pain. It is difficult and stressful. It makes me angry and tired. So I am just a ball of frustration and irritation.

With a smile on my face that literally fools every single person I encounter. I occasionally get ‘oh you look tired today’ and that is it. No one can tell the level of pain let alone I feel like throat punching them because they are bothering me with something idiotic and I can’t even think straight through the pain.

People talk about resting bitch-face. I think I have resting sweet-face. I think I just look pleasant and in a good mood. All the time. I think that is why I can pass as happy when I am irritated and depressed and hide the pain so well.

I swallow that irritation though. I know it is a fabrication of the pain. Just the pain messing with my brain. I refuse to cause conflict because the pain is a frustrating experience when trying to function with it.

I bet a penny psychologists recommend taking a minute to meditate to help with this. Like we can just excuse ourselves at work to find some quiet place, somewhere, to meditate our emotions down because the pain is getting to us.

Sort of glad my job now is less stressful so that that factor should not be quite apparent. It is only a factor on bad pain days anyway. When functioning lowers, I struggle to focus and this frustrates me.

 

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