I have been listening to the Migraine World Summit and so far I have not picked up anything I didn’t already know but it is interesting to listen to neurologists perspectives.
One thing I think so far is that I suck. Ehm. My brain sucks. That is to say I’m in a bad mental place to improve that fraction we have some control over. And this angers me. But I realize it is predominately for two reasons.
- I am depressed. My brain is telling me adamantly that nothing I do will make any difference. That is hopeless. That this pain will last forever. That nothing will ever change. In my brains defense neuros giving up on me and saying nothing will help me doesn’t help. Thanks for that. Point is brain is set on sucky mode. And then there is the crap motivation of depression. So I know the irrationality of my thinking and I know what I should be doing about it specifically. However, I lack any motivation to do anything. And then my brain rolls back to, well, it isn’t going to have any effect anyway so why bother. Sort of want to smack myself at that point.
- A long history of no change. I have had chronic daily migraines for 13 years. I calculated that out when blogging for this topic and Holy Hell. And in that 13 years, absolutely nothing I have tried or done has had any effect at all on the daily migraines. I know what caused them to go from chronic to chronic and daily though. As soon as I entered the workforce they bumped up from 15-20 to every single day. And have not changed since. Depression set in about five years ago due to pain levels and stress at work. All that unmanaged pain. No preventative has really worked for me and working with daily migraines is no bloody fun. Then the stress of missing work and leaves of absence. None of that helps any. Point is nothing gave any indication of any hope at all. And if the past predicts the future, I think I am screwed. And that is what my brain tells me.
This is not to say I am not trying. Just means I have some mental roadblocks to deal with. And I have been told in my case it is simply about managing the pain. Sort of depressing that fact. I like to believe that fraction we have some control over… the lifestyle aspect may have some impact. If I do it consistently and all together. Even if it never has before. I would just like some migraine-free days in there somewhere. Just a little break in the flow. Unlike some people, I do not have constant migraines. I have distinct migraines, not a non-stop migraine. So I may wake up migraine free, which is generally the case but as you know some last days. And then get one a few hours after waking. So there are hours in a day without a migraine. I do have comorbid pain, so not pain-free, but migraine free. I just want migraine-free days a month. Down to 20 or 15 would be ideal. Seems like a fantasy at this point but I believe entirely conceivable.