I was talking about triggers with my psychologist in regards to depression. He said he pretty much knew what mine were. And I said good thing someone knows. But, in fact, some were pretty clear. Two massively big ones: Pain and Over-thinking. And how it creates the perfect storm. How both of my suicide attempts at night in high-intensity pain after over-thinking and spiraling into deep depressive states.
These two love to play together at night. Less, distractions at night and my pain load is substantially higher at night. My pain generally starts baseline in the morning then migraine kicks in a few hours later… then pain just climbs from there until it is around a 9 at night. Not always. I range from a 7-9 on average. Occasionally a 6 when I am lucky. I call a 7 a good day. An 8 a crappy day. And a 9 a high-intensity day. It is the 9 that is the problem. 9 and overthinking often sspiral out of control down the rabbit hole.
It often starts with something simple like I have to work tomorrow and how horrible that will be in pain. Then it is how horrible it is that I Always have to work in pain. Of course, then I think why is it that we have to suffer more and work? Why is it we have to torment ourselves with this extra pain like this? It is like this madness. Intentional madness. That everyone seems to think is a fine idea and we participate in. Then I think… this is my life… forever inflicting more suffering on myself to fit into societies standards. Why am I participating in this endless madness of suffering? Never being able to just suffer in peace. Of course, this leads to a massive bout of poor me syndrome of the pain is never going to end. What is the point of this existence if it is just on a big ball of pain. I mean seriously, it is a very limited life, of continuous suffering and limitation and it seems like there is no meaning to it except not to make others sad from your demise. I yearn for sleep, knowing I won’t get any. Yearn for death, knowing apparently that isn’t the answer. (Yearn for no pain is perhaps what I should say because that is the actual truth. I really want the end of the pain.) In the moment the pain is this immense all consuming thing. And the thinking is just making it more Large more Profound more Real.
All that starts on the slippery slope of ‘Man, it is going to suck working with this pain tomorrow’. When I have no clue what my pain will be tomorrow. And I know pain intensities vary. And I know I can have a life with pain.
But high-intensity pain and over-thinking and depression is just not a good recipe. Because I can think about literally anything and I will think about the Worst case scenario. I will think myself into a depressive state so quickly it is terrifying. And I do mean terrifying since I have suicidal ideation.
I cannot do anything about the pain at that level. Mediation at that level of pain is out. It is too high to meditate. Just doesn’t work. Close your eyes. Breath in. Pain. Breathe out. Pain. Try not to think about how much damn pain your are in. It is like mindfulness on pain. Not a good choice.
What I can do something about is that plague of over-thinking. I am a chronic over-thinker. Always have been. In this case, I have to stop myself. I have to stop it immediately at that first negative thought. Stop it and think a more reasonable rational thought.
So… God it going to suck working in this pain tomorrow. Becomes: I don’t know how much pain I am going to be in. Pain varies.
Now if I find the thoughts are exceptionally dark. I will go to sleep. Better to sleep off the mood.
And f I stop the thought I will then fill my time with other things so I don’t circle around back to other negative pain induced thoughts. Anything I am capable of doing in that level of pain. Flipping through Facebook. Blogging. Creating content for my page… sometimes I create my best most compelling content that way. People can relate because in the moment I am in a state that is Very relatable. Put on some mellow music and just do some fiction writing. Anything to keep my brain occupied on anything else. If it is a high 9 on the cusp of a 10 then just mindlessly flipping through tumblr, FB of my wordpress feed is enough.
I have to understand that the pain is controlling my mood. Any complex thought. Any stressful thought. Any thought about the future. Anything work related. Anything pain related. Will all be turned against me. And my mood will plummet into the abyss.
Now, of course, I have also been put on medication to prevent that low of all lows where I get suicidal. There is that. And it is vital and important to treat suicidal depression. My second spontaneous suicidal attempt scared me. That I could cross that line so fast without even really thinking or planning. Because it is so much easier the second time. And it means my risk is that much higher. So medication is a must.