When I say I am good

When people ask me how I am feeling 99% of the time I am lying. I often say ‘not bad’, because I feel it is slightly more honest than ‘good’ or ‘fine’. Got sick of fine. Anyway, I lie for many reasons.

I’m having a good pain day:

They happen and I’ll say that I’m good, fine, not bad. I even feel like I can accomplish great things… in moderation. In which case, relatively speaking, for Me I am not actually lying. This is a Good pain day, it is Not Bad for me and I am Fine with it.

I just don’t want to explain:

I just don’t want to explain how crappy I feel and in which way I mean. Because I am tired of it. I just want to deal with it, without having to discuss it, mention it or have any sympathy expressed about it. Because it can be complicated. It may be a migraine with specific symptoms. Maybe it is an FM flare though. Or both. And then I have to explain what it is because most people think my migraines are the main issue but I could be FM flaring like crazy or have severe allodynia. Also, I don’t really want or need sympathy. The ideas. The suggestions. I just want to get through the day.

I am straight-up lying:

I feel horrible, but I want to get through the day. It isn’t going to help me or you if I say how horrible I feel so I just lie, lie, lie. No one can do anything. I can’t even do anything. It isn’t going to help anyone and certainly not me to say how horrible the pain is, so I lie.

I just want to cope easier:

Sometimes it is easier to not talk about the pain and just cope with it. It is easier to smile and laugh and put on a facade to help myself cope. Dwelling on the pain, at all, ruins this mental game I have going on, that I need, to get through the day.

I don’t do this with family. I will tell them when the pain sucks balls. And half the time they can tell when it does. I feel freer to do so. I don’t have to over-explain. I don’t get all that sympathy business, just genuine caring for me personally. I don’t get weird advice. I also am at home and don’t have to ‘function’ through the pain. I can just be Me in pain.

Functioning through the pain takes a totally different mindset. I have to consciously not dwell on the pain. I have to try and keep my humour up because it helps with my mood and coping. I smile a lot because it literally tricks our brains into releasing happy hormones. I want to keep myself as free of my usual negativity as possible so I can cope with the amount of pain I am in and function through it. I want to deal with the stress of that as best I can with relaxation breathing and resting on my breaks. I try to maintain this atmosphere to trick myself into handling the pain well at work. Generally, I convince myself fairly well. And it doesn’t always work. It depends on the amount of pain. But I’ll lie to myself and I’ll lie to others to get through it.

Published by Nikki

I am the Brainless Blogger; health-related chronic illness blog. And a fantasy fiction writer under the pen name Lil Hamilton. View all posts by Nikki