Working with chronic migraines has always been a battle for me. One that I have never really actually seemed to succeed at. Certainly, one I have tried to succeed at. Certainly one doctors have tried to get me to succeed at. But not one I actually have.
This has always, always infuriated me because I have ambition. I have this sense of wanted to progress in a career. I have this desire to want to accomplish things. I also want to hold my own financially. I am a very intelligent person and I want to engage myself. Not to mention, apparently, some of my self-worth is tied up in what I do. I rather established that fact when I went on a long-term leave and felt sort of at a loss. That can be normal and it is difficult to find ways to fill that void. Nevertheless, in my case my doctors assured me it was in my best interests, all around, to return to work part-time. They said it was impossible to work full time, to wish was firmly established by me, but that it would benefit me to work part-time. And of course, there are plenty of benefits to working. I enjoy getting out of the house and being in the world as it were. I like the forced routine of it that makes me get up at a certain time and go to bed at a certain time. Otherwise, my sleep cycle due to excessive insomnia is extremely erratic. To a point, and I must make that clear, to a Point, it is actually a very good pain distraction. Not to mention the all mighty financial stability, which I value immensely.
And yet, even part-time.
I fail to Get to work: This is an issue. My pain levels vary like everyones. And there are days of extreme pain where nothing works. Or days of extreme symptoms. On these days I have missed partial days… so loaded up with medications and then made it in for a partial day, or missed a whole day. I mean, some of those days with vertigo and persistent migraine auras it wasn’t safe to drive. Some of those days I did anyway. But some I just could not. Some days because of the depression and pain, I had no willpower to do so.
I wonder if I just have to push through the pain again. But when I did That I ended up with deep, horrible bouts of depression. Due to forcing myself to exceed my pain limits. Yet this is, in fact, the only viable solution to this problem I have. And this is freaking part-time. I should not be having such an issue. The idea was: One day on, one day off. Makes it easier to tolerate the idea of working in pain. But the pain disagrees.
Functionality: So I get to work. Bravo for me. Well, my performance isn’t where it should be. Because when I get there I have a migraine. I have a migraine every damn day. I am just trying to not make mistakes, to be honest. And damn do you get in trouble for those. So I just try to focus, focus, focus. But there is more to it than that. And I am just trying to get through the damn say. So, yeah, my sales suck balls. This job is easier than my last roll. It was meant to be. To ease my stress and so forth. And it does. But thinking through pain when that brain of yours is pretty much using 90% to tolerate the pain and only 10% to function… it is damn difficult. Thinking through mud.
I’m actually not sure what to do about this. Some days with a migraine my brain capacity seems so very low. My verbal capacity definitely suffers substantially. Sometimes I am very confused. Sometimes I am so very dizzy. It does take a lot of effort to sustain actually focusing on just general tasks. I don’t think people realize how difficult it is to function during one of these. Neurologically speaking. Not just pain wise. It reminds me of my spouse and his beloved truck that has a broken spark plug… truck is running really rough. Well, I have five broken spark plugs all the time. I barely chug along neurologically. Yes, this is difficult because I remember what my brain was like. And I have not had clarity in over a decade. God, I miss migraine-free days so much. I miss the processing speed. The clarity of thought. The mental recall. Being able to use my words.