There is no winning here


I missed work for a 9 level migraine with nausea and vomiting, hearing loss and auras. It was the infamous menstrual migraine. Day three of it. Day two of the straight migraine I am having. Two days of brutal pain, vomiting and being non-functional.

They wanted me to come in anyway. I said I would try. But I couldn’t. The pain didn’t go down. My meds failed or I threw them up. At a 9 I can’t do damn well anything. I am non-functional. I am dead to the world. Unable to really understand what is going on around me and unable to use my language very well. I can’t concentrate. I keep misunderstanding what people say. I just cannot focus through the pain. And it scares me to drive like that. I tried recently and I hit a car in a parking lot. I feel like at a 9 the whole world doesn’t make sense anymore, it is loud, bright, stinky, intrusive and confusing. Just typing this with my migraine is taking a very long time as typos with simple words are cropping up. Language skills fails me. I don’t know how to spell that simple word. It looks wrong.

My point is. There is no winning. I could not make it to work. I lose a day of work. My co-workers have to compensate. They want to ‘talk’ to me about missed days. I am missing to much due to these 9 days I have no control over. But on their side they need a predictable, dependable employee. You know that person I was before the migraines? That person. I wish I wasn’t the one suffering the pain and symptoms, but I am. And I can’t stop them. I work with them when the are 7 or low 8, suffer with them in the 8 range but that is really getting up there for my capacity to function at work with. But 9? No way, no how.

No one wins when I cannot function. But the one that will suffer the consequences, that’ll be me. Unless I go on leave again until my Botox works. If that is an option I’ll take that. I need that Botox Done so this can get Better Fast.

The fact I cannot even functionally work a part time job suggests I never should have came off leave in the first place. I can’t compete or make it to work or perform like my teammates can. I am a crippled liability.



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