It occurs to me I cannot work part-time. It didn’t suddenly occur to me. I just kept hoping it would get better. Or I could push through the pain. Or if I tried harder the think through the sludge that is the neurological gunk of migraines I could function better.
I have chronic pain with FM and that alone is difficult to cope with, with the pain and fibrofog and endless exhausting fatigue. And I have a lot of comorbids like asthma and hypothyroidism and IBS. IBS being a real work challenge let me tell you. I have depression which I don’t have to tell you is actually a major challenge in doing anything and especially coping with the pain. And I have chronic migraines which are an endless torment.
If it is not one thing it is another. I mean if it isn’t a 9 migraine then it is mind-blowing severe nausea and vomiting with diarrhea. Maybe from the migraines. But severe nausea has been ongoing for over a year. I’ve lost weight, an impressive feat for someone with hypothyroidism. I can’t eat because I feel full and I feel sick. Regardless of what the cause is I have been very sick from it. It just adds to the overall crispness. Throwing up at work. Fighting this nausea. Needing to drink meal supplement drinks.
I am missing too much work… part-time. I try to push through the pain. Ignore the symptoms, manage them, over medicate them. I try not eating at work. I try taking a triptan every work day, even though I get adverse reactions like breathing issues and chest pains… I am supposed to take them rarely but how then to Potentially manage the pain. Granted they only seem to dim the pain for 2-4 hours… but I take it. I take it. Then deal with the symptoms. I think getting sick so often is tanking my blood pressure, which is already low… I clocked it at 74-43. I am tired beyond words, dizzy, spacey. So I have been adding salt to my food to boost it.
Miss too much work. Don’t meet my work levels I should be at. Thinking through pain like my brain is pudding and those damn dizzy spells and vertigo. I keep forgetting things. Keep fumbling. Keep effing up. When I am there no less. On my 7 pain days. Or even 8 pain days… because I actually Am trying not to miss work.
What is a person to do when the insurance company sent them back full-time like it was all good? I tried part-time. I am failing here. I tried a leave again they only would give me a few weeks. I had to pay the rest out of pocket. I am trying my damndest and damn if it isn’t working. My depression is getting worse because I try and try and fail and know there is nothing I can do about it.