I am infinitely glad for my depression medication right now because I know my brain well and I would be having troubles. Without it, I am getting some flack from my brain depression wise. I am stressed. I am in a lot of pain. I am not coping well. Makes my brain think some thoughts that are not necessarily fair.

Like, you are functionally useless.

You are worthless.

You can’t even work a simple job.

You can’t even maintain a part-time job.

What is the point of a life like this?

I feel hopeless because there is no solution to the problem and there never is a solution to the problem. I can’t function. I try to go on long-term leave and they claim I am functional enough. I go back to work. I can’t function. Repeat. And I feel horrible about myself. My employer feels frustrated and angry at me. And I feel more and more hopeless. Because nothing changes.

My brain spins and spins. I get anxiety about working in pain. Worse about missing work. And then the guilt.

I do all the things to confront these ideas my brain comes up with but it doesn’t change the facts. I am functionally useless. I can’t work my job. I can’t function. I can’t maintain work. I feel hopeless because nothing Does change. I feel worthless because I am pushed to do things I am set up to fail at because I can’t physically Do them. I personally feel like a worthless failure because this has been happening over and over again with no one seeing that hot damn she can’t actually do this. And, yeah, it feels like my depression and, yeah, I do have issues with self-worth Now.

And yes, I do ask myself what the point of a life like this is. I don’t like feeling this way. I don’t like failing people. Being undependable, unreliable, exceeding my pain limits and I hate the guilt when I fail. I hate this pushing the pain limits so I am in so much more pain than I should be, for what? To be socially acceptable? So a doctor doesn’t have to put me on disability?

I only works if it is achievable. Work is a great thing for us all. Being productive. Socially active. Intellectually stimulated. Pain diversions. It is good. But only if illness doesn’t prevent it from actually being achievable. It keeps pushing when it just isn’t is some sort of torture. Not sure what kind, but some sort of soul-crushing, mentally crippling and physically destructive torture. Only spent years proving how to fail. How to be worthless. And useless. How to be utterly destroyed by pain.

I am tired of being punished for having chronic pain. Tired of medical professionals not understanding the effects this has on me.

Of course with depression comes suicidal ideation. And I have had some of that. More like the typical ideation but it isn’t the intensity I had before my medication. No repetitive thoughts. No Intent. And I do find I am able to control them easier because the medication doesn’t allow for the massive lows. Which is why I am so glad I have it. Nevertheless, with pain comes suicidal ideation. Things like: I wish I didn’t have to go to work anymore. Be in pain anymore. Be anymore. Because I have no control over work, my depression always tells me the only way out of that is to just die… and problem solved. No more work. No more having to put on a facade and pretend I am not in pain to push through the day by inches. Because I feel powerless and hopeless about it and always have. And of course we all want the pain to end, but that one is just a craving for an end to the pain, not an end.

I will, of course, mention this to my psychologist because I am in that high-risk category and I am under a lot of stress. I do not underestimate the power my mind has to twist things. Or the spontaneity of suicidal intent. Or the power of pain, never underestimate that. Nor do I think depression treated by a medication solves everything because it doesn’t. It just levels out the lows. You still have the depression. The thoughts. Lows, if not plummet like a rock lows.

I could wish pain didn’t affect me like it does with depressive reasoning as it does. But I find a hard time grasping how this existence is supposed to be anything but the madness that we participate in for the sake of others. Well, that is my depression talking right there because that is a typical thing I say when depression but I am in a bit of a down mood at this very moment and in a lot of pain. I will be having a chat with my boss about my work situation tomorrow and I do not anticipate it going well. Little does he know I blame myself for everything even things that are not even my fault. It is easy to make me feel like crap because I make myself feel that way already. I am anxious about it because I don’t want to deal with it. I wish I could just continue as it is. But I know they don’t want undependable, unreliable, sick me. They want healthy productive, dependable and reliable. As any boss would.

We have to be careful with chronic pain and depression. They do not mix well. We always should see a psychologist to help us manage our moods and our pain. Help us with coping strategies. It is pretty vital, to be honest. For a long time, I thought ‘I can handle these thoughts myself’ and it led to s suicide attempt. So maintaining our mental and emotional health is just as vital as our physical health. And difficult when your brain is telling you the opposite.

3 thoughts on “My brain is giving me that back talk

  1. Nikki,
    You are such an excellent writer AND you know how to express what we all are going through so much. I’m telling you, the above is exactly the same things I go/went through. Work and chronic pain just doesn’t mix.
    I truly think you could write your own column in a newspaper. I know that is tough work too though. You have a lot of talent! You help me and I’m sure others with your words. It may not pay money but it is more beneficial then money. It helps our soul. Thank you!


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