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Nightmare

nightmare waking.png

I woke up into a nightmare. That line speaks a lot of truth. Sleep is something I crave just for the relief. Mind you sleep is near impossible to get with painsomnia and FM, and frequent wakings due to pain and sleep disturbances. But when i do, I dream of weird story lines and people I have never been, often with a fantasy theme because I read a lot. They are fun and entertaining dreams.

But I wake up.

The moment my consciousness becomes aware I get anxiety. This profound overwhelming feeling and this tightness and restricted feeling in my chest. A sudden surge. My psychologist tells me, because it happens on work days, that my brain is anticipating having to function in increased pain levels and is panicking. I get that. It isn’t fun. I calm it down best I can.

I am groggy. Confused. Fatigued beyond belief. I can’t think clearly. I am already in the prodrome of the migraine. Sometimes in the aura; with numbness, visual auras, tinging, tinnitus, hearing issues. I want to shake the fatigue but I can’t, it is stuck to me and I am suffocating on it.

I want to eat, in the sense I know I should but I have no appetite. The nausea has stolen it from me along with any enjoyment from eating at all. Just get some food in there to survive. Hope it stays in there, one way or another.

I muddle through a bit of the day as best I can with my brain in a haze when the pain kicks in. Sometimes it is hard as a wall in the fact. Other times starts slower with a lower level pain and eases up and up and up. Either way by the end of the day I am suffering hard and it is hard to even think straight anymore. It is weird how confusing things can get. Like the time I got lost in an airport for three hours. Or how hard it is to stay awake, like the fatigue is just weighing you down so much everything is just shutting down. You can’t think, process, and just want to curl up in a ball and sleep. But you can’t sleep. That pain is too high.

And repeat.

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