My psychologist wants me to come up with a plan to use for my time since I am off work.
I thought it would make more sense to wait until I am approved for the disability. Despite being suicidally depressed, having FM and chronic migraines ironically this doesn’t necessarily make me disabled in their books. They think surely you can work a job, rather than die. And I think rather would die, or so my brain seems to go when I am amped up by the pain of working and failing to achieve work standards. And then they go I think you are significantly improved, so we are not going to keep you on disability, and should actually work full-time. And I go I’ll give it a go then… a couple months later… yeah I think I’ll try that dying thing instead. The last time I rather thought I’d make it at least three years before suicide was an option again, but not even close to that. I think because I hit the time frame of five years since my last attempt and statistically that is a range where people attempt again. So how very statistical of me. I told them I was suicidal the last time (well they knew since it was after the second attempt), depressed, had FM and chronic migraine and they only approved me for a few months. So hardly a sign they will approve me this time. A sign I have to watch My mental stability for sure. But not a great sign these guys particularly care that I am crippled by pain and depression. Makes me despondent with the process to be honest.
So planning how to use my time instead of working may be moot for so many reasons. Nevertheless my psychologist is the optimist and can’t see why I would be declined. I get it, everyone knows I shouldn’t be working except those in power to make the choice. It is ironic. I could be wrong, one never knows. Maybe it will work out fine and that would be a profound relief. I am tired of thinking what will happen if I don’t.
But I still have to do the exercise. So what will I do with my day?
- Housecleaning- I can’t really houseclean when I am working. The fatigue, the pain levels… there is nothing left. And my day off is me laid out recovering with nothing left in me for anything else. So if I am not working I am going to do my Mom’s idea of 10-15 minutes of cleaning a day. I have a lot of fatigue and pain so can’t manage much a day… this is a good daily amount. On a good day… I could try for more. But my min, daily should be Achievable.
- Exercise- likewise with exercise I have not been able to do it while working. Can’t exercise on a day off and increase the pain on a work day… too painful. Too fatiguing. So I will start my physio exercises and stationary biking. Stationary biking will be slow again with the FM and EDS… usually 2-5 minutes start and then it is a slow arduous process to increase. Took me six months to get up to 20 minutes. But gotta start somewhere.
- Writing- As my hobby I will be writing more. Blogging more and the social media that comes with this. Raising awareness more and maybe I can find ways to do more with that. I also have my fiction writing which I will focus on more. NanoWriMo which is a writing month of November is coming up so that will keep me quite occupied. I have a novel planned out for that and everything.
- Meditation- Focusing more on my meditation. Always never found the time to do it when working. There is no time to do it. No place to do it. So I will get into the routine of that again. It is difficult to do with chronic pain, but I think worth it.
And that is all I have so far. Hard to think of things other than the things I am supposed to be doing for my health like the mediation, physio and exercising that I can’t do when working. And the housecleaning I can’t keep up with.