So I call from my insurance company asking for information they insisted they didn’t need in the first place, because they are that awesome. I should have got it in the first place, knowing who I am dealing with. But they also said my doctors clinic notes do not show sufficient evidence for disability.
And I wonder how that can even be. This is to show I cannot work. So setting aside the depression that caused two suicide attempts… set That aside. Set aside the FM. Then I have the daily intractable migraines that have never responded to any treatment at all ever.
I wonder if they comprehend what intractable means. It means nothing has been able to decrease Frequency or Intensity of my migraines. And I am Daily. As in every single day I go to work with a migraine of the intensity between a 7-9. And I am expected to drive. And I am expected to think and not make errors. To communicate despite aphasia. To remember despite brainfog and pain interfering with short term and long term memory. Hell I am expected to see and hear despite auras that actually make that pretty hard to do. I can take a triptan 2-3 out of those 7 days in a week so impossible to treat every work day, assuming they even worked all the time. Except I can’t even do that because my doctor explicitly told me to take them rarely due to the extreme adverse effects I get. But I do take them anyway when I am working, because I want the hell to be dampened slightly for a few hours and I will deal with breathing problems and chest pains… hell I’d welcome a heart attack. And I am unfortunately serious about that one, due to the whole suicidal ideation factor. I have lost 40 pounds due to nausea and vomiting. I get chest pains all the time because of the triptans, which I ignore.
But mostly, goddamn it all, it is the effing pain. It is the pain I can’t take all the time and work. The pain leads to lack of sleep, and sleep deprivation which makes the pain worse. And leads to waking up with a migraine or status migraines. Which leads to plummeting moods and suicidal ideation. And then more suicidal thoughts. Then suicidal intent and actions. It is a cycle I have repeated over and over and over. I wanted to stop it before it started. I was really struggling and I just wanted to stop it before I did something I couldn’t take back… is that so crazy? I get it, it is in fact crazy. But proactive. And understanding my own state of mind.
These guys have no idea of suffering. No idea how close to the edge we can be because of it. I have no idea what ‘evidence’ they are looking for. 2 chronic pain conditions apparently isn’t sufficient. Depression causing suicide attempts… not sufficient. You know what message that sends to someone who had depression with suicidal ideation? Yeah that message.
So being as that pushed me right into my dark place I have to spend the night on some work my psychologist gave me. Deciding between rational thoughts and distorted thoughts. Like my instance company is a douche bag and their ‘specialist’ aka a nurse, isn’t a specialist in anything… a rational thought. That the only way to ever end this and the pain is to kill myself, no insurance company, no work, no pain. Distorted thought.Well True, but not the Only way… one effing hopes that is. FFS this is an ongoing nightmare of mine. Everyone of my Actual specialists say I cannot work. This is the most idiotic process ever designed. So anyway, I’ll end this point while I go think non-suicidal things and work on my suicidal ideation worksheet.