My update on my leave is that my doctor Just Managed to finish the massive amount of information my insurance company requested. Late. Very Late. So I will get it sent off tomorrow. I was hoping to know soon because I thought this was done, but I will not, in fact, know soon. If it was too late, at all.

The stress this is causing is immense. Makes me just want to stop thinking about it. But I can’t stop thinking about it because I have bills to pay. How to pay them is indeed an interesting question. Because not working for months is not conducive to paying anything at this point.

I have been eyeing up jobs to apply for because when I get stressed I panic. When I panic I try to come up with counter plans. I think, I could do this. Or this company looks Great. But full-time? I failed at full-time. But full-time would give me financial stability. Then my spouse mentions driving into the city, he doesn’t want that. And then I remember my doc said it would be better if I found something online. But I have been looking online and have found nothing. Nothing predictable. Nothing with a decent income that would compensate for my leave. If my leave fails I will need something now now. Even if I cannot do it or function or it isn’t good for my mental wellbeing. Admin would be the idea since that is the least taxing to me. Straight admin.

My brain always wants to fix the problem of finances. Knowing it won’t fix the problem of me in the workforce by doing so. And the consequences of that. I have been on this merry-go-round before. I am immensely tired of it. I know the result of it. But necessity is a necessity, is it not? But sometimes the consequences are too high of a price. Which is why I am on this leave in the first place.

Ideally: I go on CPP and have a wee side job to keep me occupied.


Ideally: I work from home. In something I can do, that makes me the amount of money I need to earn to sustain my budget. And is secure income.


Ideally: I find a location close to home and work a part-time admin job. I know I have been told I cannot do this, but desperate time equals desperate measures. If there was no commuting. No sales just admin. This is a viable third option.

It makes things complicated, to say the least. With my brain wanting to fix things so we won’t be so stressed. And me equally not able to function. Maybe CPP is the way to go. I never would have said that years ago. But I am so tired of the pain. It has drained me down.


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