Depression is many things. Currently, for me, it is not suicidal despair due to the medication that enables me to at least temper suicidal ideation. Doesn’t mean it isn’t still present. And it is, in its motivation-sapping fatigue and listless suck hole of doubt and guilt.
Imagine you are walking along and you are going somewhere important to do important and meaningful things. But along the way, the path gets mired with thick clay-like mud and slowly you get more and more stuck into it. Each step is slower as you have to suck each leg out to press on. Each step you sink ever deeper. And it is so so much more effort to get anywhere at all. And then you come to the realization you’re not going to get anything done when you finally get to where you’re going because you wasted so much time getting there. So you feel hopeless and guilty. What a suckhole of a day. Except, what if this is every day? So the next day and the next day, you really feel less motivated to even get started on such a craptastic adventure with so little reward at the end of it.
So there you have it. Less motivation. Less feeling of reward for anything you even do. Feelings of guilt for what you do not do. The sense of hopelessness at lack of progress. Fatigue from the minute effort.
Yet somehow, you have to get through that mire and carry on. Well, I haven’t been doing so well in that department. The fatigue partly is from fibromyalgia I am sure, but it is intense. I feel this sense of being trapped by my limitations of what I can’t do and therefore little that I Can do. And I wonder how I am supposed to succeed this way with the chronic pain and the depression and the fatigue when I cannot seem to find anything that fits within those limitations I can be productive at.
However, aside from monetary productivity which is my main frustration, there are ways to deal with motivation. By doing. Doing things you normally would do, for short durations, each day. And even rewarding yourself for doing them. Eventually, your brain will begin to feel that sense of its own pleasure and reward from the activity once more. So the theory goes. The idea of routinely doing things works, if we do them. And I do think exercise is a good one as well, if we do it. Apparently, depression is one of those things we fail to keep our goals more often in regards to therapeutic suggestions than most. Likely because one part of our brain is saying, yes, I want to improve and the other half wants to curl into a ball and sleep forever. So maybe we just have to stick to firm routines, firm sleeping times, firm exercise goals, firm productivity goals and this will keep us more structured. My first aim of the new year is exactly this, set up some firm daily routines. My exercise, meditation, housekeeping and other productivity.
Just maybe with some outward Consistency, some of that will diminish or be easier to conquer. I’m game if you are. But maybe you are not where I am right now. In the listless stagnant ball of motivationless goo.