poetry Uncategorized

Can you see?

you-dont-see-the-illness1

This poem Can you see? was written in a time when I had an indifferent doctor and an employer who say me as, essentially, a problem to be solved. I was in a great deal of untreated pain, had depression and was suicidal. And I wanted to know could they see it. Any of it. Could they comprehend the pain? See the toll it was taking on me in the least fraction of a bit? As I played by their rules, danced to their tune and faked smiles to appease them. Did they notice at all I came closer to dying ever second of the day?

The answer, of course, is no. They didn’t see me. The doctor saw a difficult patient to treat that he had little time for. The employer saw a problem she wanted to fix or be rid of. Neither cared about the impact of their choices and decisions on me. And I nearly died for that.

Because no one, even medical professional, or insurance companies or employers care about Impact, Suffering and the Price of Pain. None of those things matter to them at all. They focus on the wee little minuscule details. Insurance companies focus on a) get you back to work, b) get you off the books and they do so with so-called evidence they demand which is interpreted by a nurse. I’ve had with me, once again got a letter of insufficient evidence after my doc sent in 125 bucks worth of paperwork. It was a thick stack. From an application that is usually 3 pages. What do they need? I have no clue. I asked and they said just more than what they got. Bravo on clarifying that for me. Just more mysterious evidence. I should just send her entire file, my

Insurance companies focus on a) get you back to work, b) get you off the books and they do so with so-called evidence they demand which is interpreted by a nurse. I’ve had with me, once again got a letter of insufficient evidence after my doc sent in 125 bucks worth of paperwork. It was a thick stack. From an application that is usually 3 pages. What do they need? I have no clue. I asked and they said just more than what they got. Bravo on clarifying that for me. Just more mysterious evidence. I should just send her entire file, my neuros file, my pain clinic file, and my psychologists redacted file. Anyway, I am sure they just want to screw me because I am chronically ill. It is just discrimination. They don’t want me On the books, so they will prevent it from happening.

Doctors can be concerned about a lot when you have a good one, which I do. So she is concerned about impact, suffering and the price of pain. But some only focus on symptom treatment. Some know so little about pain, they can no properly treat it or talk about it. Some are so bias about it, you’ll never get good treatment for it. They never ask the right questions if they are indifferent. How is the pain impacting your life, your career, your emotional state of mind.? How is the pain itself limiting you, your career and causing problems.?

Employers want a reliable and dependable employee. The bad ones will Make you one even if you are too ill to be one. They will bring in the ultimatums. They will threaten you with demotion… or with being laid off due to ‘the economy’. They will guilt you. Tell you, you are failing yourself and your co-workers. May very well lie and say your co-workers are complaining about you.  Good ones will motivate you, accommodate you, and help with restricted hours if you need them temporarily. Good ones will empower you to succeed with disability. Bad ones will crush you and destroy your self-worth.

Because we are not seen by people with other agendas, bias, discrimination, and stigma. We are lazy. We just want a day of. We are drug seekers. We are faking how much pain we are in. We are a liability, not an asset and one not valuable, therefore one to be rid of. We are weak. We have brought it on ourselves.

We are not seen. We are invisible. Our pain is ignored or punished. Or judged. Mocked. We? We are not seen at all. Our battle is never understood. And we suffer under the stigma, judgement, and bias which can lead to depression, anxiety, low self-worth, and hopelessness.

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