There is a depth to the experience of chronic pain that is very difficult to explain. It goes beyond the list of symptoms and the pain intensity. It is something to do with the depth of existing in a chronic pain state, and knowing it will be there for the rest of your life. Sometimes it gets a bit dark in my head.
Here are some chronic pain confessions
I used to think when I was younger the pain could take my body but it could never take my mind. I was very distraught when I realized I was wrong.
There are days the pain makes me just not to want to be around people.
I have ignored serious symptoms because I just wanted to see if they would go away or were Really important.
The first time I thought of suicide I thought to myself ‘who is mad: the one who thinks about ending the pain or the people who do not help you treat it and expect you to function through it?’
Nothing stops the pain. I smile. I tell you it is a 7 or 8 or 6. There is no 0. 0 doesn’t exist and hasn’t for decades and decades and decades. I don’t understand 0.
I understand suicide. I understand the desire for an end to pain. It makes a lot of sense. It even makes rational sense. I get why not to. I get the concept of living for the sake of others. Or making up reasons to live. Or the value of living itself. But I do understand suicide. Like I understand euthanizing a pet in a great deal of pain. It scares people that I understand suicidal people with chronic pain, but really, many of us ‘get it’.
When people as my ‘how I do this.’ How I live with the pain. I actually have no answer. It could be ‘because I must’ but in the back of my mind I know I don’t ‘must’. I have no idea how I do it. I have no idea how I survived this long or why. It is a mystery where we get our strength and determination from. When we lose so much to this.
I have ignored serious symptoms thinking ‘well, if it kills me, it will be natural causes.’
I have ‘forgotten’ to tell doctor symptoms because I don’t want to seem like as a hypochondriac.
I have missed work solely because of depression before.
I could go on and on with these. But I won’t. Just know this chronic pain existence is difficult sometimes to handle. And maybe sometimes I just want to stop trying. Maybe sometimes I am tired. But there is always tomorrow.