Confession- I used to think when I was younger the pain could take my body but it could never take my mind. I was very distraught when I realized I was wrong.
Confession- There are days the pain makes me just not to want to be around people.
Confession- I have ignored serious symptoms because I just wanted to see if they would go away or were Really important.
Confession- The first time I thought of suicide I thought to myself ‘who is mad: the one who thinks about ending the pain or the people who do not help you treat it and expect you to function through it?’
Confession- Nothing stops the pain. I smile. I tell you it is a 7 or 8 or 6. There is no 0. 0 doesn’t exist and hasn’t for decades and decades and decades. I don’t understand 0.
Confession- I understand suicide. I understand the desire for an end to pain. It makes a lot of sense. It even makes rational sense. I get why not to. I get the concept of living for the sake of others. Or making up reasons to live. Or the value of living itself. But I do understand suicide. Like I understand euthanizing a pet in a great deal of pain. It scares people that I understand suicidal people with chronic pain, but really, many of us ‘get it’.
Confession- When people as my ‘how I do this.’ How I live with the pain. I actually have no answer. It could be ‘because I must’ but in the back of my mind I know I don’t ‘must’. I have no idea how I do it. I have no idea how I survived this long or why. It is a mystery where we get our strength and determination from. When we lose so much to this.
Confession- I have ignored serious symptoms thinking ‘well, if it kills me, it will be natural causes.’
Confession- I have ‘forgotten’ to tell doctor symptoms because I don’t want to seem like as a hypochondriac.
Confession: I have missed work solely because of depression before.