I am having a really hard time doing things that are important. It is important so I need to be functional. So I say I will get it done tomorrow for sure. Tomorrow comes and I am in a mind-numbing about of pain. And I am like, clearly I cannot do it now, because I cannot even think straight. So I will have to do it tomorrow. And tomorrow comes and I am in extreme pain, or horrible fatigue or massive brainfog.
And I realize this was the real problem with work. I was never peak functioning. Something was always bad. How to function, though, when something is always interfering severely with your capacity to function? Not even counting severe days. Well, let’s count them. Because then they interrupt functioning for Days.
It is really frustrating me. Because it is making what I was aiming to do completely and utterly moot if I have to wait for the perfect moment to do it. It literally means I cannot do it regularly. When I try anyway, it doesn’t simply work out. At all. But these large gaps doesn’t either.
Migraine procrastination is what it is. Waiting for low pain and just the right amount of brainfog and fatigue to be able to hopefully manage it perfectly. To get something done once. But not over and over. The winds change. And you have to wait again.
Course I complain right now because I am in the migraine hormonal trigger bout which will last about 4-6 days. It is a rough go pain wise and symptom wise. It always frustrates me because I always struggle functionally at this time.
Nevertheless, there is no Consistency in my capacity to do things. Even exercise. My psychologist wants me to exercise every day. I could if the pain didn’t skyrocket at least twice or thrice a week. So I can’t on those days. I push it on the normal pain days. You try exercising with a migraine… it is not what I would call fun. But I do it. I just do not when it is insanely severe. There is no capacity for routine even the things that would necessarily require a routine. No reliability at all.
I already knew this, to be honest. I just am hoping to work from home and if I cannot figure out a way to function on a basic level and work this is going to be difficult. The important thing I need to do is these tests for jobs I have applied for. And I can’t do them when I am non-functional. Like I said, I tried and it doesn’t work out. But if I am waiting for the perfect moment to do these, then how would I hold up doing the actual job? Am I going to have the same issue I had working out of the house? Pushing through? But failing? I seriously cannot handle any more failing.
What I know is that the perfect moment doesn’t exist. There is low functioning and mediocre functioning with chronic pain. And no pattern to depend on. And it changes mid day, mid shift.