thinking some thoughts Uncategorized

The perfect moment

If I could justsleep and sleepUntilI am notTired any more.png

I am having a really hard time doing things that are important. It is important so I need to be functional. So I say I will get it done tomorrow for sure. Tomorrow comes and I am in a mind-numbing about of pain. And I am like, clearly I cannot do it now, because I cannot even think straight. So I will have to do it tomorrow. And tomorrow comes and I am in extreme pain, or horrible fatigue or massive brainfog.

And I realize this was the real problem with work. I was never peak functioning. Something was always bad. How to function, though, when something is always interfering severely with your capacity to function? Not even counting severe days. Well, let’s count them. Because then they interrupt functioning for Days.

It is really frustrating me. Because it is making what I was aiming to do completely and utterly moot if I have to wait for the perfect moment to do it. It literally means I cannot do it regularly. When I try anyway, it doesn’t simply work out. At all. But these large gaps doesn’t either.

Migraine procrastination is what it is. Waiting for low pain and just the right amount of brainfog and fatigue to be able to hopefully manage it perfectly. To get something done once. But not over and over. The winds change. And you have to wait again.

Course I complain right now because I am in the migraine hormonal trigger bout which will last about 4-6 days. It is a rough go pain wise and symptom wise. It always frustrates me because I always struggle functionally at this time.

Nevertheless, there is no Consistency in my capacity to do things. Even exercise. My psychologist wants me to exercise every day.  I could if the pain didn’t skyrocket at least twice or thrice a week. So I can’t on those days. I push it on the normal pain days. You try exercising with a migraine… it is not what I would call fun. But I do it. I just do not when it is insanely severe. There is no capacity for routine even the things that would necessarily require a routine. No reliability at all.

I already knew this, to be honest. I just am hoping to work from home and if I cannot figure out a way to function on a basic level and work this is going to be difficult. The important thing I need to do is these tests for jobs I have applied for. And I can’t do them when I am non-functional. Like I said, I tried and it doesn’t work out. But if I am waiting for the perfect moment to do these, then how would I hold up doing the actual job? Am I going to have the same issue I had working out of the house? Pushing through? But failing? I seriously cannot handle any more failing.

What I know is that the perfect moment doesn’t exist. There is low functioning and mediocre functioning with chronic pain. And no pattern to depend on. And it changes mid day, mid shift.

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5 comments

  1. I am there, too. Am having new pain issues, just when I was getting back to coping with the old pain issues. I worked a whole week in a row, then was flat on my back only managing one day the following week due to the new pain in my back and hips added on to the migraine and level of back pain that I’m used to working through. Plus brain fog, neuralgia, depression, you know the drill, etc.

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  2. Boy, oh boy, I feel your frustration! 20 years in with fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue and myofascial pain, I deal with these same issues every single day. But I took the plunge and started working from home a couple of years ago, and it helped enormously.

    Yes, every day is a new health challenge. Yes, I have to push through the pain and fibrofog to deliver what I said I would deliver when I said I would deliver it. But at least I get to pick the timing. If I can’t sleep and am feeling inspired at 3:00 am, I can get up and write. If I’m having a bad day and need to take a break, I can. If I need to take a day off, I can do that, too.

    I have found that structuring my business and my life on my own terms to be incredibly rewarding. I get up every morning, stretch and walk. Then I work for several hours and this is when I generally accomplish my best work. I take a long lunch break, during which I read and then walk the dog, which gets me out of the house and back out into the fresh air. With my mind clear, I can resume working for a couple more hours.

    The bottom line is that years past the time I thought all achievement was behind me due to health issues, I’ve recently had a couple of career highs. Living a vibrant life full of purpose with these health constraints isn’t easy, but it’s so worth it. I truly hope you find a way to craft that balance for yourself, Nikki.

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    1. Me too. Writing is something I do well despite pain. I believe because I can get right into it. And because I can do it when it is a good time of day. Well, mostly a night writer. lol At least I have a passion for it. However, making money at it is quite another thing altogether. I should aim at that angle, though.

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      1. Nikki, there is a lot of demand out there for good writers. I do press releases, articles, website content, blog posts and have even ghostwritten a book, among other things. I don’t have that many clients, but they’re loyal and have always referred me to others. Given my health issues, there is only so much I am able to take on at any given time. But I do make a living and I do it on my terms. Best of luck to you!

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