I can't work anymore. I feel so useless. And no longer productive to society. What value do I have_ Who am I now_.jpg

There is this lack of dependability and reliability that comes with being incapable of working. You prove it by trying and failing. Sometimes over and over again as I did. And failing and destroying your self-worth while you are at it.

So you have to understand you can’t do it. And you will the void in whatever way that you can.

But some of us have no money to substitute the lost income. We are trying to find ways. Applying for disability. Or trying to find maybe something we can do from home… that we are not even sure we can do either because we doubt it would be any different. We are stuck in limbo. Worried all the time about money. And what to do about it. And how to survive when we cannot work and we cannot survive not working.  We suffer financially and don’t know what to do about it. I personally have doubts I can do any work at all given my lack of dependability and reliability due to the variable nature of migraines and fibromyalgia combined. And I don’t want to fail again. That crushes me. But depending on the government is known for moving very slow is hard to do… when you worry about next month and the month after that.

It is the place many of us fall under. Cannot work. And waiting for some income source which we are not guaranteed so there is a massive amount of uncertainty in our future. I can’t say it is easy for any of us. Sometimes, in the end, it doesn’t work out either and we slip through the cracks in the system. Left to struggle to survive.

We are the minority, the disabled, that few care about and there is so much stigma against us as well. We are struggling so hard to make an income that is hard to sustain oneself on Because we have failed at work, that we struggled to maintain anyway, but failed hard. We could not do it. No matter what we did. Even changing roles. Or going part-time. Nothing worked. We were not productive, functional, reliable or dependable. It is the last choice to go on disability, not the first, second or third. The last. And maybe a short-term plan until you think of something you can do.

But the process. It can be brutally long. Or simple and short. And no one knows where they will fall. Or how they will live until that point.

That uncertainty is brutal.

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