suicide/depression

"13 Reasons why" was not for me

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I got right into this series and watched it like crazy. I knew it was about suicide but I watched it anyway. I shouldn’t have. I can read a book about suicide and I am fine but visually seeing a suicide scene and aftermath… it hit me like a fist.

I remembered my first suicide attempt. It was from pain and depression from pain. Like the show, I cut into myself. Watched myself bleed because I wanted to see the life flow out of me. I wanted the violence of it. Chronic pain has no blood. You suffer and suffer but no one sees the wounds. I wanted the wound to show in my death. No one should have to suffer that much pain and function. I knew that fundamentally. I thought it was cruel and madness. And madness for me to particulate in it like it was okay to do that to a person. I felt useless and worthless at the same time. A burden. And I didn’t want to be one. I knew people would mourn but I knew they would know at least I wasn’t in pain anymore. You have to be in that headspace to truly know how deep and dark it is. But with the relentless physical pain of the moment tormenting you, all you want is it to end.

All that untreated pain. That overwhelming depression. I’m amazed I survived as long as I did.

When you survive an attempt it is traumatic. You see the impact. And that you see in the Netflix show as well. The mother finds the body and the father comes in and it is a devastating scene. You see their suffering throughout and know you too could have caused that. Surviving you know the impact you could have had. You see the effects on your family. See the fear and worry. I again felt that impact and worse felt how much worse it could have been. It was like a punch to the gut.

The show just was like a flashback. Of pain, of the trauma, of the impact. Of how hard it was after to reconcile not wanting to hurt those I love in such a brutal way and not wanting to survive with the pain. I couldn’t. Someone always suffers. I read somewhere that suicide is like a bomb. It takes out the person but the shrapnel wounds those around the person. The closest get wounded the most but those not as close also get wounded. The suffering is widespread. How does one reconcile a life of suffering or passing all that suffering on to a group of people?

Anyway, I loved the series in regards to bullying. It shows the impact one’s actions and words and inaction can have on another’s life. Something teens should think about. It doesn’t focus on the mental illness aspect but you can see the signs of depression plain as day. The isolation, she cut her hair, stopped hobbies, her poem, talked about numbness, the suicidal thoughts and long insomnia walk.

It is just not something I should have watched. I have been out of sorts all day. Listless and sad. It re-hashed something that was very traumatic for me. And layered it in a devastating storyline that didn’t hold the punches. I felt for her. I felt for me. It reminded me of a very dark time for me.

I am still depressed. Depression 2.0 I call it. Because I am treated with Abilify which takes away my Plummets of Doom. The Deep Dives into Despair. Evens things out. But I still have this softer depression. I no longer have suicidal intent. My brain has a switch. With depression, you keep fighting to a point. And then Switch, you don’t. You give up, curl up in a ball and wish it would all go away. And become vulnerable to suicidal thoughts.

Watching ’13 reasons why’ was good, disturbing and so very sad. It will hit everyone hard. As it should. But if you have survived suicide it may just hit you harder. All the memories may come to the surface again. I am not saying it is a bad thing. I don’t hide from my suicide attempts, I regularly talk about them. I want to end the stigma. I want people to be able to talk about it. Maybe showing such a vivid scene will help with that. But someone who has been suicidal, is depressed or has suicidal ideation there really ought to be a warning on there for that. We see a lot more in there that others do not. And then we reflect it back on ourselves. I’d say better to want with someone you can talk to.

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