Fear is a part of chronic illness and chronic pain. But the fear I have lately isn’t one of limitations. That fear that inhibits us from trying to get out of the house, do activities and socialize for fear of the pain. Rather it is a fear of returning to a previous state.
So I have made some improvements pain wise, coping wise and mood wise. It is making things easier to manage and pain intensity has been quite a bit better. But I have bad days in the week still. And every bad day, I fear a return to the state of horror I existed in before.
Especially this week with hormonal migraines and weather migraines. It was particularly nasty. And Deja vu really. A reminder I didn’t need because I keenly do remember what my life was like, thanks. But I do not want it to ever be like that again, so this fear was there all week. What if the migraines didn’t decrease in intensity? What if they continued like this? Again? But they have not.
It is natural when we make progress to fear it is transitory and flimsy. That it will not hold. It is natural to fear going back to a state of pain that was unbearable and extremely difficult to cope with. Of course, one wouldn’t desire that. Of course, there would be some fear if your capacity to cope was limited then and your life drastically affected. No one would want that Again.
I have to remind myself just have to move forward. I cannot predict the intensity of Any migraine Ever. And therefore I certainly shouldn’t fear suddenly every migraine being intense. I should live migraine to migraine. Like I do with Fibromyalgia. Fibromyalgia exists on a baseline of pain, with flares sometimes in specific locations (my shoulders a couple days ago were killing me for no logical reason) and then flare ups where everything hurts. And I certainly do not live in fear of flares. I pace and moderate activities as to not encourage them, but I do not fear them.
I should think of it as a positive Trend in the right direction. As the potential to further improve! I have not only improved intensity but had some migraine free days. That is pretty amazeballs. If I can improve on That, well hell, that would be fan-flippin-tastic.