There will be days like these I remind myself. Sunday my spouse and I ate a pre-packaged roast beef that made us rather ill. Must have been the sauce or something. Anyway, I was ill all night. And him all of Monday, since his digestive system is slower than mine due to his gastroparesis, although the pain for him started Sunday. It was unpleasant. Nevertheless, I thought it was that. Wake up on Monday with the severest migraine I have had in months along with brutal nausea, with vomiting. I am going to have to blame dehydration for that one, from being so ill the night before. Or the lack of sleep from being ill. Or both.
And I missed work. Not only was it the pain but that nausea. That uncontrollable nausea. I did manage to get the pain down a bit, but now it is back up there. And the nausea, well, it is just starting to get better.
With that comes the insane guilt from missing work. I get that I was pretty ill and the pain was out of control. I get that. But it is just not something I want to do right now, this missing a day. And it infuriates me. But on the other hand, even now, I am just miserable. I blame that damned roast beef. Man, that made me ill. I have to wonder if it was food poisoning, but that seems weird with beef. Or it just didn’t sit well with us at all. When you get sick like that, migraines soon follow. Hard to stay hydrated you see. And the pain can be immense from that. The lack of control I have over that though frustrates me so much. I did nothing wrong. The roast beef was bought at a place that has quality products in fact, so no idea what was even up with that.
So now I have to deal with this plague of guilt for missing work.
And this migraine from hell resulting from whatever the hell that was.
And I loath feeling guilty for something that isn’t my fault. But I always do. Like I am to blame for this hellish existence I find myself in. But never give myself any credit for the coping I do or the progress I make. Or every day I work with pain anyway. Yeah, no credit for that. My brain only focuses on the failure to get to work on the bad days.
You can’t escape the guilt. I suppose because we compare ourselves to healthy people or to our previous selves. Or have standards that are impossible to achieve. Or never give ourselves a break. So when a bad day happens and we fail to achieve that which we expect from ourselves we judge ourselves. And feel others do as well, which they do.
I feel so utterly disappointed in my body. A sense of sadness that I couldn’t be the person I wanted to be today. And it will be hard to chase the feeling away. It will linger all week long likely. This sense of betrayal from my body. This sense of failure to Be. Maybe it is just a really bad day overall. I don’t feel well. The pain is getting to me. I am tired. Of course that makes me Feel a lot of things.