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I may have to take a leave from work until a) this vertigo stops on its own which could be at any time or b) I see the neuro and get some sort of treatment to figure it out.

It gets so bad I cannot stand for long and I have a hard time walking. I get so disorientated and confused I can’t function. And so nauseated. There isn’t a damn thing I can do about it.

It infuriates me. I don’t want to go on short-term but I have to because I cannot function let alone work. This is ridicules. I loathe short-term with a passion. I mean loathe. Dealing with them is like pulling teeth. Pulling your own teeth because it is a painful, painful process. And I don’t want to have to endure it or deal with it.

But today the spins, the dizziness, the disequilibrium, and the nausea was extreme. It is bad enough that I can’t even sleep right now.

Well I didn’t get much sleep but the spins made it so I couldn’t finish posting either. And the disorientation which really gets to me. So I will finish now, while I still can.

My point is, we wouldn’t choose this. No one would choose this. We would choose to have a life, damn it. A social life. A career. Being able to leave the house and drive when we want to. A life, damn it. But we don’t get to choose. And we certainly do not get to choose worsening health problems that ruin the balance we had going on.

Yet we get punished for it like we chose it. Like it is something we went out a chose to have. Punished in so many ways. Made to feel weak. Made to feel guilty. Made to feel worthless. We didn’t choose it and we shouldn’t have to pay a price for something we have no control over.

It means hard choices. It means compromises. It means changes to our lifestyle. Changes to our work. And at times it means these infuriating, horrible horrors of a leave from work designed to punish me and make work stressed without me. No winning here. No winning at all.

3 thoughts on “We didn’t choose this

  1. Thank you for continuing to share your experiences. I find myself amazed at how quickly I’ve gone from being athletic and capable, to unable to work and have friends. Reading your posts honestly help and make me feel a little less alone in this mess.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. It can be so hard to accept illness, the current situation and how we are… you’re right, we didn’t choose it, and it’s a harsh reality to face sometimes that things aren’t going to go the way we’d wanted them to go, that our lives aren’t quite turning out the way we’d have liked them to. But we manage and we deal as best we can, even when that means finding other options, compromises to find other ways around the problems. I think you really do need to do what’s best for you, even though this may mean a difficult decision with work and one you ultimately would rather avoid. You’re right, it can be so painful. So sorry you’re struggling so much right now but thank you for sharing this – we’re not as alone as we may feel sometimes. Sending hugs and my best wishes… Caz xx

    Liked by 1 person

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