chronic illness Uncategorized

Best laid plans of mice and men

go explore(2)

Chronic illness is fickle.

I had a plan. You see at work my menstrual related migraines were causing problems for me. The best treatment is birth control. I cannot take estrogen based ones due to migraine with aura and stroke risk. So I decided on depo shots. And this plan would mean no more hormonally triggered migraines. No more severe, acute migraines that are difficult to treat that impair me at work and often lead to sick days. I thought, this will improve my work. And this is still my plan.

It's one thing to make a picture of what a person looks like, it's another thing to make a portrait of who they are.

But my body had other plans and I am assaulted with vertigo, disequilibrium and dizzy spells making me unable to drive and work. So my plan to Improve work failed because my body has once again screwed me Over.

And now I have No Plan.

Aside from waiting the vertigo out. It could end tomorrow or it could last months. I just do not know. And seeing a neuro, but that will take months. I bet the vertigo will be over by the time I see that guy. I hate our waiting lists here. Have a problem? How about it screws up your entire life before you get to see a doctor about it? How about that.

Health when you are not healthy is so unpredictable. You can’t say you have any sense of balance because just wait… guaranteed something will flare up and ruin all your gains. One step forward, two steps back.

I am frustrated. I am PAINGRY. And I am bored at home. And worried about money already while I am at it. I am bored because standing and moving flares all this up. Lying down is the best position for me by far and that isn’t any way to spend the day. So I haven’t even been doing things around the house. I try to when it is at its low point, but that flares it up. Hell, moving my head… flares it up.

It is like we are not allowed to sustain and maintain. You can’t ever be dependable or reliable. You want to be. You try to be. And something ruins it. Either the pain stops being managed. Or they have to change medication due to side effects… and the pain stops being managed. Or a new symptom arises that makes you non-functional. I am getting really tired of this.

I know I shouldn’t feel guilty about this. But, damn, I feel angry about it. I haven’t even been back at work a Year. Not even a year. I can never make it a Year before something happens. You know how that makes me feel trying and failing all the time? Pretty damn worthless. I know they never should have taken me off long term in the first place because I haven’t been able to function since then in the work place. That is some kind of wrong there. Really wrong. And I get punished for it. Of course. For their mistake.

Rant done. I am just angry right now.

 

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