So I am on a leave right now until this vestibular migraine, or whatever it is, sorts itself out. I hope the neuro can figure out what it is. Or it ends on its own soon. I am aiming end of month, and I hope my brain concurs with that plan.
Today was a bad day. I tried to rest a lot to improve it but as soon as I started moving I was slammed with it. And it really hits you in the head with this sort of disorientation zoned out confusion crap. Likely because of the vertigo spells, the dizziness and the lightheaded factor. You are just out of sorts. Even now, I am spacy. The chair is Moving… up and down, up and down, in the rapid motion, constantly. Then my head sort of spins a bit and I feel a sensation of being pulled downward. With this constant lightheaded feeling that makes it hard to focus on much of anything.
But at the very same time, I didn’t do anything all day. Because I can’t and because there isn’t anything to do that I can do. Without making it so much worse. So I am restless. And I am bored. And there is a lot of hours in the day I am not doing things I want to do. Like work. By the time my spouse gets home I wonder what the hell I did all day. And the answer is nothing. I did nothing. I accomplished nothing. I wasn’t the least bit productive. If I Tried to be, then I am in a bad state of affairs. I was anyway today. Just a bad day.
It isn’t fun. It is this sort of extended frame of time I feel like I should be filling it with something but at the same time incapable of filling it with even the things I could be doing like cleaning the house. That would make me feel better mentally but worse physically.
When I have been on leave before, this restless boredom turns into a sort of frantic need to build a routine to fill my day. And I do. I make a routine. I fill my day with things I then do find important in different ways. But then a profound guilt at the lack of income I have coming in. This sense of Not Being Productive Enough. Even though I know, I know I need to be on leave. That I cannot function at all. That something need to be changed so that I can, or I just can’t. I know that. But I always have a hard time adjusting. All the time.
And then the sense of identity. Who am I without work? What about my self-worth? I struggle immensely with these questions in the face of not working. This sense of failure. But I face failure when I Am working due to lack of productivity, lack of sustainability, lack of focus… just lack. So there is no winning. You sort of have to carve out a new identity that isn’t dependant on ‘what you Do’. But self-worth… that comes a lot slower. Not even sure I have recovered that completely. I find myself still doing things that reflect a poor self-worth.
So ‘it must be nice not to work’ is such a horrible thing to say to someone with chronic illness. I am not having a happy vacation time right now. I am simply waiting. Waiting for the neuro. Waiting for the CAT scan. Waiting for the symptoms to disperse. Waiting…