I had hoped to be back at work for the New Year.
Uncertain Vestibular complications
I am still not sure if this is a vestibular migraine attack I am enduring at the moment or something altogether different. All I know is that when I try to function it gets much worse. It is so disorientating. I’m so unwell today and that isn’t the most optimistic start to the New Year.
Unfamiliar symptom severity that is constant
It isn’t just the constant perception of motion. It’s the dizzy spells and the disorientation it causes. The molasses in the brain. But, yes, the perception of motion is not fun. I feel gravity pulling me down when I stand. I feel motion thick in the air when I walk. I feel the ground moving up and down when I walk, sometimes heaving and undulating like an earthquake. But even sitting, like now, it is shaking my whole body and sort of whirling my head. Then falling sensations every moment or so. I can’t stand it. I feel on the cusp of passing out, but I don’t. I can’t express how zoned out it makes me feel. How shaky my limbs become when I try to do things.
Yeah, I couldn’t anticipate a vestibular migraine bout lasting this long. One Never has. The longest was a month, and even then it was sporadically mild/moderate and not this intense dizziness disorientation added in there. No, I could never anticipate a vestibular migraine attack lasting this long, if it is indeed that.
Extreme pacing and long rest periods punctuating the day
I rested all day to barely function now. I require so much rest to barely function. Mentally, I am antsy for activity. To do something. But I can’t. I do a little and, man, it gets worse. Standing is such effort. Reading requires too much concentration. I don’t have the concentration.
I’m so out of sorts. So tired. The world won’t stop moving for a second.
What a horror to think I may be stuck in this warpy world that saps my capacity to think.
What is this thing? This beast? Will it go away as fast as it came? Will it persist? Is it migraine disease? Is it new?
Wasn’t the pain enough?
Pretty sure the pain was enough.
Yeah. That was enough, my friend fate.
Didn’t need this bull crapola at all, thanks anyway.
*end whine scene*
Just saying. This body is getting mighty uncomfortable to live in. I demand a new one. A full manufacture replacement. This one is completely malfunctioning in all sectors. Pretty sure a reboot won’t even work at this point.
I don’t think this is worse than pain, since pain is maddening to a degree that I would never inflict on any human being ever. But this is a weakness. A very shaky, disorientating weakness that affects the head that makes it impossible to get around and do anything for more than a few minutes. The intense dizziness and lightheadedness spells make it impossible to think. Right now I am zoned out, but not like the dizziness and lightheaded spells make me. I can’t do anything during them. Stare and drool maybe. And the shakiness and disequilibrium make me weak and unstable from any sort of activity… like changing the litter boxes. Whoo, that was a whole day of work. So it is Inhibiting my Being in the World more. I don’t think I have rested so much in my entire life. I don’t Like It, resting so much just to do one thing a day. So worse than Pain? No, nothing is worse than chronic pain. Inhibiting my capacity to function, yes, yes, it is doing that.
Such is the unpredictability of chronic illness. You just never know when you’re suddenly going to get worse in functionality. That it is going to affect your income stability even more. And you have absolutely no timeline on when it will actually stabilize even back to the way it was prior to that sudden drop… if ever. I can’t even honestly say this is vestibular migraine disease given the presentation of it. It doesn’t seem like it to me. But hard to say. Migraines being finicky like that.