The stagnation of non-functionality

Functional.Put on the mask.Smile.Blend in.But different under the skin.Writhing, seething, beat of pain within.Adjust the mask.Smile.Functional..jpg

I have been a slave to pain beyond my control before but this vestibular migraine symptoms… never have I had symptoms like these steal my functionality to the point of mental stagnation.

I can’t do housework. I do maybe one thing every three days much to my immediate regret. Standing and walking is Effort.

I can’t read for pleasure because eye tracking is hard, focus is difficult and mental concentration isn’t there.

I can’t do creative writing for the same reasons I can’t read. It makes blogging difficult enough. I have scheduled some pre-written research works for this reason.

I can zone out on social media but it is hard to focus. I feel like it is at least one distraction I have available to me but I tire of it.

I can zone out on Netflix. And this isn’t bad since laying down I feel the best. But I tire of resting. And at the same time, I can’t do anything but rest.

It is isolating for sure. But more so it is… the loss of functionality. I feel detached from my own head. Half aware. So dizzy I am out of sorts all the time. Constantly motion sick from the motion of falling. So fatigued and shaky. Beyond ill from Symptoms, not Pain. Like living in a haze. Time sort of muddling by and I am not doing a thing. What sort of reality is this? This surreal blur?

Pain can drive you to a state of raw desperation. This? Is some sort of alternate reality. Some sort of altered consciousness. Something non-functional. I drop through the floor and my brain falls with me. This is a thick sludge.

I get a cane tomorrow to ground me to this new reality. Hold me to the floor. But there is nothing to stop the motion in my head. Nothing holds the world still.

Every day I think it must be temporary. It must end soon. It must.

Every day I think I must find a way to cope if it doesn’t.

Oh, how to cope with this swimming sickness? This endless falling, whirling, twisting and twirling? The thick mental sludge?

I know I must rest, that at least eases the disequilibrium while I am laying down. I know I have to do this a couple times a day to just be able to sit.

I know I cannot do much, or it gets worse. Pacing to an extreme I have never experienced before. Like an epic flare of pain or fatigue… but dizziness.

I know even if I do that it gets worse at the day goes on. And it is hard to sleep being so nauseated from this.

I am having problems coping, man. This is a horrible state of constant flux to exist in. But I will endure.

It is temporary.

I know it.

Temporarily…

non-functional

 

 

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7 comments

  1. I hear you. I honor the place within you where you are trapped by a body that just stopped working. There is no betrayal more visceral than that. I honor the grief you feel for the loss of self you experience.

    Hold on. I was in a similar boat for about two years. I’m now more functional than I’ve been in five years. I am no where near my old me but I have a good life with my broken body. I paint, I parent, I am a partner. I even clean.

    There may not be an end to your pain but there will be a strength in you that finds a way. Listen to yourself, be kind to yourself, and you will adapt to a different, yet functioning, you.

    You are not alone on this demoralizing path and your story hasn’t ended.

    Namaste.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This all is how I am feeling. It’s sad and can be isolating, I find people don’t understand because they can’t see it it’s on the inside. I have MS it’s a daily struggle but I’ve found comfort from people on here who understand. X x

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes I get that. I’ve had 4 years to deal with my barely functional legs and still I go to sleep with hope each night that I will wake up and feel my legs again. It’s so hard to deal with these things, you need a good support network it help keep your spirits up during this rough time. Feel free to have a moan or anything with me X X

        Liked by 1 person

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