I have been a slave to pain beyond my control before but this vestibular migraine symptoms… never have I had symptoms like these steal my functionality to the point of mental stagnation.
I can’t do housework. I do maybe one thing every three days much to my immediate regret. Standing and walking is Effort.
I can’t read for pleasure because eye tracking is hard, focus is difficult and mental concentration isn’t there.
I can’t do creative writing for the same reasons I can’t read. It makes blogging difficult enough. I have scheduled some pre-written research works for this reason.
I can zone out on social media but it is hard to focus. I feel like it is at least one distraction I have available to me but I tire of it.
I can zone out on Netflix. And this isn’t bad since laying down I feel the best. But I tire of resting. And at the same time, I can’t do anything but rest.
It is isolating for sure. But more so it is… the loss of functionality. I feel detached from my own head. Half aware. So dizzy I am out of sorts all the time. Constantly motion sick from the motion of falling. So fatigued and shaky. Beyond ill from Symptoms, not Pain. Like living in a haze. Time sort of muddling by and I am not doing a thing. What sort of reality is this? This surreal blur?
Pain can drive you to a state of raw desperation. This? Is some sort of alternate reality. Some sort of altered consciousness. Something non-functional. I drop through the floor and my brain falls with me. This is a thick sludge.
I get a cane tomorrow to ground me to this new reality. Hold me to the floor. But there is nothing to stop the motion in my head. Nothing holds the world still.
Every day I think it must be temporary. It must end soon. It must.
Every day I think I must find a way to cope if it doesn’t.
Oh, how to cope with this swimming sickness? This endless falling, whirling, twisting and twirling? The thick mental sludge?
I know I must rest, that at least eases the disequilibrium while I am laying down. I know I have to do this a couple times a day to just be able to sit.
I know I cannot do much, or it gets worse. Pacing to an extreme I have never experienced before. Like an epic flare of pain or fatigue… but dizziness.
I know even if I do that it gets worse at the day goes on. And it is hard to sleep being so nauseated from this.
I am having problems coping, man. This is a horrible state of constant flux to exist in. But I will endure.
It is temporary.
I know it.