My mood is suffering with this loss of functionality right now. And I am trying to manage this sinking sensation I am having best I can. It is hard when a lot of the things I would do to boost my mood I cannot do. I am reminded that while I am on depression medication I still have depression, since it doesn’t just zap it away. And I am reminded the rest is up to me. And I know how it works with me and what I need to pay attention to. So this is a post on what depression symptoms were like for me untreated. More than the emotions, but those emotions… well they had a power I would underestimate by any means.
Lack of motivation
I had extensive lack of motivation to do anything. I tried many ways to boost this. One was do the activity for 10 minutes to encourage your brain to get into it. But I couldn’t. I didn’t feel like anything was worth while. Like anything had any appeal or interest. And everyday things exhausted me to think about doing. Finally, I came down to the do 1 thing a day rule.
Insomnia and sleep all day
My insomnia was at its worst. And other times I would sleep the day away and feel immensely guilty about this. I would say I was sick. I would get up before my spouse got home. Anything to hide the fact I Couldn’t get out of bed all day.
I was losing weight and had little appetite. I didn’t even see this as a depression sign, but there you go. It was consistent weight loss.
I had a massively hard time making decisions
I couldn’t make them. I would wait and wait and be paralyzed by them until it was too late to make them. And then I would feel guilty. But I also wouldn’t fight for my rights either. Like when I was kicked off long-term, severely depressed, suicidal ideation, in no way capable of returning to work… I had no fight in me, just sunk deeper. They wear you down. And when you are down you can’t see an out. You literally can’t see a way to fight.
I had suicide attempts but those were on medications with side effects that enhanced my depression. Which is a class I cannot be on now, so my depression treatment is not antidepressants but rather Abilify. But suicidal ideation… that was all me. And I had that a lot. The one thing I value about treatment is that isn’t a factor at all anymore. For which I am grateful.
The fatigue added to my chronic illness fatigue is immense. Not to mention mental fatigue with the lack of concentration and just heaviness of thought. But actual fatigue was draining all the time. It was a constant weight.
Negative thoughts came with the intensity of emotion to back them. But I feel that I had little self-worth, a lot of self-blame, a lot of guilt and did a whole lot of catastrophizing while I was at it. I am still working on that self-worth. Working on some self-compassion. Trying not to blame myself for every single thing including my illnesses.
Depression is complex. It is so much more than the weight of the emotions that come with depression. Or the complexity of the negative thoughts that are in those emotions. It is how this shapes our reality, thinking, body, and our being in the world. It impacts our choices, our ability to make choices, our motivation to do things and how we act in our lives. Our whole being is the world is affected. It is complex, I say. And it demands complex solutions. Our therapy. Our own at home homework. Our own mood boosters; those things we do that we know help keep us balanced. Perhaps medication. Or perhaps meditation. Whatever works for the person. For me it was medication and some meditation. Meditation really relaxes me… sorts out the mental noise going on in there. We all have our ways of quieting the noise.
So I know when I am in a slump. I know why I am. And I know what to do about it. I have all the skills for it, now. It is just one of those things… you have to do the homework. Have to work it out. And if I cannot, I know what to do about that too. Always help to find out there. Always a therapy refresher course if you need one.