Writing these posts takes a lot out of me and I depend heavily on spellcheck. I tried some fiction writing and discovered I am basically misspelling every second word or so. It is because when I try when the symptoms are milder it is still poor cognitively. It is why I cut down so much of what I do online and am just focusing my efforts here. I need the distraction, but I am capable of very little. I had been running 3 health blogs and 3 pages. Now just the one of each. Maybe for the best. But I had hopes for one of those.
I gave up reading.
I gave up fiction writing. For now. I have the ideas, just the fact that the concentration is difficult and the mistakes are so common when writing now. I try a little when the vertigo is mild.
I am editing my existing novel. Line by line. I enlarged the text, because my eyes do not track well. Read one sentence. See if that one sentence has errors in it. Think hard. Move on. And this is my second through of it. Because I am not catching things. Again, only even possible when it is mild.
When it is bad though? I feel it descend on my brain. I literally feel it. I am in a moderate zone of fog and vertigo and then I feel the intensity pick up and the falling sensations get brutal. I feel it in the chair I sit on… moving constantly. It goes from a strong vibration feeling to a dropping feeling. Movements of my head cause swirling. And I feel it in my head, this falling suddenly repeatedly over and over. Like a rollercoaster ride. But in my brain. That is worse by far than feeling it physically ‘in the chair’ like I am falling. In the head it is disorientating. The nausea picks up and I try to tame it with anti-nausea meds… sometimes failing. Like tonight. Total fail on that side of things. And with it descends this disorientation, confusion, and intense brain fog. I call feel it. One minute I am coping, then next I am zoned out and just non-functional from this strange feeling that just sank into my head. I am just recovering from a bout right now and still can’t type two words without one being wrong.
This is also why I have been having troubles reading. It is a state like I have never experienced before but you can’t think in it. You can’t focus to read or comprehend. Conversation is had enough because you are so spacy, so very spacy, it is hard to understand what people are saying. Total zoned out state of being.
The sensations though… are overwhelming. It is like your brain just goes Nuts. I would say no wonder you can’t think through that, but the disorientation, confusion, and brain fog are like symptoms of their own in their intensity. Maybe it is the dizziness that swarms your head that makes it so problematic to think.
Either way, your cognitively shot. You can’t remember things you normally would. Fumble through basic conversation. Just zone out. Get easily confused by basic things.
And after your still dizzy and out of it. That lingers. Sometimes a lightheaded feeling persists for hours after these bouts which makes you pretty spacy as well. And you still have the vertigo, that doesn’t stop. Just the intensity goes back down to moderate.
Even when the symptoms are mild to moderate the brain fog and dizziness is there. To a lesser degree. Moderate especially, at that point it begins to make it troublesome to walk. The sensations are pretty intense. And you feel ‘out of it’. Like you can’t focus or concentrate. Worse than fibro fog wise.
Severe though, it is like the brain is shutting Down. It assaults your brain. It frightens me with its intensity. How much of a daze I am in. The incapacity to do anything. To understand anything. My brain is consumed by it and it is scary. I feel something is very Wrong. There is no predicting them. And how long they will last. Half an hour. Two hours. Four.
I can think when it is mild. Usually at the start of the day. Not always, but usually. Downhill from there. After my severe bout I am currently back to moderate and too nauseated to even want to think about that at the moment. I might have some peppermint tea to boost the anti-nausea med, if there is even any of that med left in me at the moment. It is starting to get worse again… going to be a rough night.