Sometimes it takes a lot of effort to just exist
I am having a really hard time lately. My head is constantly swimming and my balance is screwy. And, unfortunately, the vertigo is affecting my vision. I have blurry, doubled, hazy vision where everything is ‘moving’ even when it is not and extreme problems with tracking motion, perceived motion, and head movements. So I can’t read a book. I have been trying but it is slow, difficult, and I am too spacy to actually grasp the content. I can’t do my fiction writing because I can’t concentrate and reading what I wrote is impossible. Watching TV has too much motion and makes me feel worse. And being online is increasingly becoming a real problem… I have difficultly reading things, understanding them, and scrolling makes me dizzier.
So basically any pain distraction I do utilize is becoming difficult to manage. As is every single thing I try to do.
Existence has become a real effort. Just anything at all and I get worse. The only good thing so far is that the relentless nausea from all this motion intolerance is controlled now. As my doctor decided to try a motion sickness patch and then still use the anti-nausea med when needed. And finally I have stopped getting violently ill as the day goes on and just have a moderate level of nausea.
I had really thought this bout of vertigo would have gone back down to sporadic and mild by now, as it tends to do with months of not being in regular motion from driving to work. But instead it improved modestly once I wasn’t driving over a span of about 6 months, so I do not typically need a cane and I can stand up for longer durations. And then it is just stuck now in this sucky zone of poor functionality.
It is so difficult to just write, let alone see right. Writing blog posts is about the only thing saving me from going insane by all the things I can’t do. But it requires substantial effort to do. The constant ‘swimming’ sensation in my head makes me so spacy. Then the vertigo hits worse and I have to rest again. It is just so constant.
Work and short-term are giving be a lot of stress. And I wish so hard I could force myself to function and return to work to just stop all that and give me some financial stability. But I am so sick. Just to exist I have to oversleep and then take a long nap in the middle of the day… to just be as sick as I am. And at least sleep provides me some relief.
I really question whether this is vestibular migraine. I mean I have had these symptoms for some time. And I have had long severe bouts. And my insurance company bumped me off long-term anyway. But this is far more enduring that the longest bout I have ever had. And severer. I have to make an eye doc appointment because these eye issues are really giving me problems. I get vertigo does that, but what if it IS my eyes doing it, right? I have no clue.
All I know is I can’t manage much at all in the way of productivity. And everything I do makes it worse. And work would prefer I was functional and seem to be trying to find a way to get rid of me. And all of that is putting a strain on my depression management. I’m at a loss what to do about any of it.
It shouldn’t be so much effort to just Be. Where just Being makes you sicker. And nothing makes you feel a little better and everything makes you feel worse.