A Chronic Voice: Pacing, surrendering, improving

A Chronic Voice does a link up based on word prompts.

And June’s prompt words are:

1. Reminding
2. Pacing
3. Surrendering
4. Improving
5. Flowing

I’m going to pick Pacing, Surrendering, and Improving for today’s post.

Pacing

I have been quite ill with these vertigo symptoms added to the pain. And it makes for an entirely new level of pacing because I can’t manage much at all. The low functionality disturbs me a lot. And just realizing I am not capable of much at all. Also a Lot of rest is required for just existing. It is exhausting. Having to get used to being unable to do the simplest of things is a new level of pacing required.

Surrendering

And this process has been extremely difficult with work issues and insurance issues. I feel so powerless and out of control for something I can ‘bypass’ or ‘fix’. With that comes a lot of planning how to survive this. And wondering if I will. But also surrendering to the very fact I can’t stop these symptoms. I just do not have that power and so I will have to deal with the consequences of that fact.

Improving

I had a moment 6 months in where I Was improving. And I thought this vestibular bout would fizzle out. But then it has since gotten worse again. I might have to use my cane again, although I try just using the walls to get around and spending limited time standing or sitting upright. I am scared I am ‘stuck’ like this and won’t see any improvement and it terrifies me. I hope that it will. But I fear it will not. It is just extremely hard to just Be like this. I do not want this to be my ‘new level of normal’ which happens sometimes when things get worse. Like when my migraines went chronic, then daily, and nothing has ever stopped it from being that way. I also worry these vestibular symptoms are something serious that is being missed, because it is so constant and persistent.

It is difficult to deal with worsening functionality. It is always an adjustment in pacing and coping. It is always difficult to cope with new limits. Especially when it takes away some of our coping strategies (reading, writing fiction or) and it steals any sense of productivity we strive for. And with it is always a sense of anxiety that it will stay this way. But we can’t know that it will. And, either way, we have to find some way to cope with the consequences (like being unable to work when we really, really need to). Impossible not to feel guilty about it. Impossible to do anything about it. Just hoping things will get better. The unpredictability of chronic illness is always there. We just never know when things will get drastically worse or the adjustments we will have to make.

See also:

6 Chronic illness fears

Dealing with lower functionality

Poem: Functional