So I had a chat with my boss a few days back about my lack of progress. He is a good man. And a great boss. However, I bet he is as frustrated as me for the time I have spent off work and the lack of progress. I have no idea if the conversation went well. I had meant to call him back initially myself, but then, you know, the brain fell out of my head before I could. The dizziness got worse and I just dumbified. So when he called me instead, I really have no clue what I said, except I had a hard time saying it.
But my point is, I had an unexpected feeling when I was talking with him.
Not about our conversation. About how I am not improving. I fear not improving.
I am scared
I literally touched on an emotion when I was talking to him that startled me. I have been enduring and coping with this all as best I can. But not being able to do anything at all, all day, with just this brief window in the morning? I feel like a stagnant potato. Like a useless, moronic, potato. I can’t drive. I rarely go anywhere because the symptoms get worse as the day goes on and I don’t want them to turn severe when out. Which they would because standing and sitting aggravates it like you wouldn’t believe. Like it is now as I type it is going downhill. Blogging is hard because I sit down to do it, and then quickly get worse and become all brain dead and severely dizzy such that I have to stop and rest for a few hours. This is why I shut down my other page and blog. This is why I am blogging every 2 to 3 days now. I am cutting down to the bare basics. Just wanting to hold onto One Thing that is Mine. I can do some things on my laptop laying down because that is the best position. And I am starting to do that in order to not aggravate the vertigo.
Stagnant and stuck?
And I am terrified I will be stuck like this. I mean for months I was waiting for the symptoms to wain and to get steady improvement like every single other vertigo bout I have had from migraines do. But it is different this time. It is worse. And relentless. It doesn’t feel the same. I have been waiting for improvement, and just not seeing any after such a long time. It terrified me I will be at this low level of functionality forever.
This can’t be my life now, can it?
I wondered after is this my life now? I can’t stand the thought of it. I just wish the vertigo would abruptly stop. This is seriously a half-life. Or maybe less than that. I had a half-life, now I don’t even know what this is. A fragment of a life.
I felt that fear as I was talking about symptoms and lack of improvement. I thought ‘What if it never goes away?’
Maybe I am not coping as well as I thought if I have this underlying fear.
We all have fears like this when scary symptoms crop up. ‘What if This is my new normal’
And I have to say to myself ‘Then I deal with it. I will deal with it and do the best I can. Because I can’t change it.’
Basically when it comes to downturns like this:
- We know they could get back to a better place again. We are aware sometimes severity happens and it does affect our lives, but it can improve again.
- And we know that even if there is no improvement and we are in for the long haul, we can endure and survive. It is all a matter of adjusting our coping and reality to the new state of affairs.
- But yes, we can be afraid. Because either a) our lives will be dramatically impacted, like our jobs and social life, for the duration. And it is hard to recover from that. Or b) we will have to figure out a new way to live all over again.
- Being aware of the emotion and thinking about the fear behind it helps us cope with the emotion. So acknowledging I have this fear helps in coping with it.
I know I will survive this. I know I will endure. But fear over the lowering of quality of life is going to be there sometimes. Fear is partly fearing the future and partly fearing the past. I have not always coped well with illness and the awareness of that fact does cause some fear with downturns like this. I fear I will not be able to cope as well. Yet, I also am aware that in the past I have coped well and I developed better coping skills when I didn’t cope well, so I am prepared to use those strategies now.